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Some people prefer to stay in touch with their friends and family members while traveling. Others prefer not to get in touch and stay alone. Which do you prefer and why? v.1

Some people prefer to stay in touch with their friends and family members while traveling. Others prefer not to get in touch and stay alone. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1
The adventurous spirit in the youth is on the rise, particularly amongst the Millenials who prefer to be self-employed rather than work with a company or organization. Many of them consider being under a boss repressive to their independent thinking and are of the opinion that self employment is the best option available. In this essay, I would be discussing the reasons for this change in trend and the disadvantages of the same. Firstly, as mentioned earlier, being self employed gives the space to pursue their own ideas and to grow their innovative spirit, because being under formal employment often restricts one's ideas to the ideology of the organization one works for. This is quite visible from the life of many great men who progressed their career only upon leaving their formal employment; for instance, Steve Jobs and Larry Page who are the founders of the biggest technological giants that exist today. They found their inventions unacceptable to their peers and noticed that they didn't get the attention they deserved. Despite these advantages, things are never simple and the journey is often draconian. Studies show that only 5 % of the startups are actually successful and the number could be further lower in emerging countries. Some of the reasons for this are the lack of experience amongst the youngsters who start these ventures particularly the fresh graduates. Additionally, they don't know how to manage their finances, which often leads to overspending and heavy debt burdens. However, these mishaps can be avoided with proper guidance and mentors from the respective industries. To conclude, being self-employed is liberating and gives one a self of achievement and motivation which is often reduced among the youngsters. They can pursue new ideas provided they ensure to equip themselves with the right advice and guidance. The contribution to the formal economy by these ventures are bound to increase in the coming years and will be a solution to the problem of job creation the governments currently face.
The adventurous spirit in the youth is on the rise,
particularly
amongst the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Millenials
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
prefer to be self-employed
rather
than work with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or organization.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them consider being under a boss repressive to their independent thinking and are of the opinion that self employment is the best option available. In this essay, I would be discussing the reasons for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in trend and the disadvantages of the same.

Firstly
, as mentioned earlier, being
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self employed
gives the space to pursue their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and to grow their innovative spirit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
being under formal employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
restricts one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to the ideology of the organization one works for. This is quite visible from the life of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
progressed their career
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
upon leaving their formal employment;
for instance
, Steve Jobs and Larry Page
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are the founders of the biggest technological giants that exist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. They found their inventions unacceptable to their peers and noticed that they didn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the attention they deserved.

Despite these advantages, things are never simple and the journey is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
Possible incorrect capitalization. Some adjectives that are derived from proper nouns can have both an initial capital letter and an initial lower case letter. If there is a close association with the proper noun, use "Draconian".
draconian
. Studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5 % of the startups are actually successful and the number could be
further
lower in emerging countries.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
reasons for this are the lack of experience amongst the youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
these ventures
particularly
the fresh graduates.
Additionally
, they don't know how to manage their finances, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
leads to overspending and heavy debt burdens.
However
, these mishaps can
be avoided
with proper guidance and mentors from the respective industries.

To conclude
, being self-employed is liberating and gives one a self of achievement and motivation which is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
the youngsters. They can pursue new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
provided they ensure to equip themselves with the right advice and guidance. The contribution to the formal economy by these ventures
are bound
to increase in the coming years and will be a solution to the problem of job creation the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
currently
face.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Some people prefer to stay in touch with their friends and family members while traveling. Others prefer not to get in touch and stay alone. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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