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It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends. v. 2
Over the past few decades, technology has a huge impact on everyday life, especially the way people shop. With the increasing popularity of online shopping, some people believe that the shops will run out of business because of this trend. However, I completely disagree and think that physical stores will always have a place in every city and this essay will elaborate the reasons supporting this view. First of all, the foremost reason is that some people, especially women, have an obsession with the shopping. In other words, such people only want to go out in shopping malls for the sake of window shopping in order to satisfy themselves. This is not possible when buying stuff online through the internet. For instance, a recent study results published by the students of the Oxford university states that more than 70% of the female university students revealed to have spent more time in the big malls rather than focusing on studying. Another vital point to consider is the lack of trust that people have on the online stores. Even though these stores provide a variety of products, still people are skeptical of the quality provided by them. As a result, they like to visit the traditional brick and mortar stores where they can check the standards on the spot without having to worry about contacting the customer support in case of any issue. A survey result revealed by the Times magazine in 2018 confirms this opinion as well where almost 60% participants reported their bad experiences of e-shopping. To conclude, although online shopping has become very popular these days, retail stores will not be much affected by it. I opine that these stores are not threatened by the internet shopping as people will always prefer these stores.
Over the past few decades, technology has a huge impact on everyday life,
especially
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shop. With the increasing popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the shops will run out of business
because of this
trend.
However
, I completely disagree and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
will always have a place in every city and this essay will elaborate the reasons supporting this view.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the foremost reason is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
women, have an obsession with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
In other words
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
want to go out in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls for the sake of window
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in order to satisfy themselves. This is not possible when buying stuff
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
through the internet.
For instance
, a recent study results published by the students of the Oxford university states that more than 70% of the female university students revealed to have spent more time in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
malls
rather
than focusing on studying.

Another vital point to consider is the lack of trust that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
.
Even though
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
provide a variety of products,
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are skeptical of the quality provided by them.
As a result
, they like to visit the traditional brick and mortar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
where they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the standards on the spot without having to worry about contacting the customer support in case of any issue. A survey result revealed by the Times magazine in 2018 confirms this opinion
as well
where almost 60% participants reported their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
experiences of e-shopping.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular these days, retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
will not be much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by it. I opine that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
are not threatened by the internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will always prefer these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stores
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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