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what was your favorite toy when you were a child? describe it and explain why it was important to you. Include examples to support your explanation. v.1

what was your favorite toy when you were a child? describe it and explain why it was important to you. Include examples to support your explanation. v. 1
The most of people give more importance to name and fame, whilst compassion and empathy toward others are reduced from the world. However, I agree with the given statement to a larger extent and the reasons for it will be elaborated in the enlisted paragraphs. From my practical point of view, first and foremost reason, is the aggressive materialization. This is because people are greatly influenced by their relatives and friends, which gives importance to materialistic life. Moreover, they become money- oriented and want to fulfill their desires. A recent survey has been conducted by Harvard University reveals that more than 47% of American give weightage to material approach. A consequence of this, individuals have forgotten the value of kindness. The second reason of this is social approach. In other words, social status in communities plays a central role in which people often judge them on base of it. If a person didnot have standard lifestyle, they will face problems of discrimination in the society. Hence, due to show offing culture people are encouraged in materialistic world and at the same time status is indispensable part of the communities. Paradoxically, there are number of people who are act as philanthropist for the betterment of mankind. A distinct reason for this is they have kindness towards unprivileged people. Furthermore kindness hearted person always contribute in society with any expectations. For instance, the dynamic person like Bill gates donates more than 53% of his income for the destitute people, which helps in medical treatments and food supply. These types of people discouraged the trend of social status and materials possession, and believe in compassion. Thus, there are people who wants to build sustainable society by doing charitable activities. In conclusion, it is truly seen that practical approach has gain popularity in the people's life, whereas trust and kindness has vanished from society. Nonetheless, I support this point to a far, owing to show-off culture and stereotype society which leaves a minimal run from sympathy.
The most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give more importance to name and fame, whilst compassion and empathy toward others are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
from the world.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement to a larger extent and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for it will
be elaborated
in the enlisted paragraphs.

From my practical point of view,
first
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, is the aggressive materialization. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
greatly
influenced by their relatives and friends, which gives importance to materialistic life.
Moreover
, they become money- oriented and want to fulfill their desires. A recent survey has
been conducted
by Harvard University reveals that more than 47% of American give weightage to material approach. A consequence of this, individuals have forgotten the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kindness
. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
of this is social approach.
In other words
, social status in communities plays a central role in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
judge them on base of it. If a person
Possible spelling mistake found.
didnot
have standard lifestyle, they will face problems of discrimination in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Hence
, due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
offing culture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are encouraged
in materialistic world and at the same time status is indispensable part of the communities.

Paradoxically
, there are number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are act as philanthropist for the betterment of mankind. A distinct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this is they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kindness
towards unprivileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kindness
hearted person always contribute in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
with any expectations.
For instance
, the dynamic person like
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Bill gates
donates more than 53% of his income for the destitute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in medical treatments and food supply. These types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
discouraged the trend of social status and materials possession, and believe in compassion.
Thus
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "want"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
wants
to build sustainable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
by doing charitable activities.

In conclusion
, it is
truly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that practical approach has gain popularity in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life, whereas trust and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kindness
has vanished from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Nonetheless, I support this point to a far, owing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-off culture and stereotype
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
a minimal run from sympathy.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay what was your favorite toy when you were a child? describe it and explain why it was important to you. Include examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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