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describe your favorite toy when you were a child? describe this toy and explain why it was important to you. include details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

describe your favorite toy when you were a child? describe this toy and explain why it was important to you. include details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
Nowadays, it is difficult to manage the tasks of the professional and personal lives, because due to inclining the competition globally, individuals lacks to maintain their lifestyles effectively. This essay will discuss the viable causes behind this issue, and will put forward the feasible ways to eradicate this phenomenon. Commencing with the factors responsible of this issue, firstly, man has become goal-oriented, that due to rising competitions, every individual hard work to achieve the success. As well as, due to the increasing number of competitors in every field, individuals feel insecure that they might get replaced with another one. Therefore, they forced to work hard in their task sectors. Unfortunately, they lacks to spend time with their families. Moreover, the masses are attracted to materialistic lifestyles. To exemplify, everyone wants to have luxury house, car and expensive commodities. So, peoples' effort at their job places over point, even some stay at offices and trial in night shifts. Consequently, its effects on their personal life, as well as, on their mental and physical appearances. Turning to the elucidations to combat this issue. First of all, Denizens should limit their working hours. They should make a schedule to complete the tasks in their workplaces. Additionally, they should make plans for outings on the weekends with their families and friends. As a result, they can relief from the overburden of job and employees can enjoy with their beloved one in their leisurely pace. Furthermore, governments should campaigns through public places and social media about the risks involved during working for a long time age. Although, bureaucrats could impose strict rules on the overt time performance. To recapitulate, it is undeniable fact that over moment endeavour and self-oriented behaviour cause problems in mental ability of individuals, as well as, it causes the gap between families. So, everyone should keep in mind these threats and should maintain the lifestyles equally as personal and professional.
Nowadays, it is difficult to manage the tasks of the professional and personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
due to inclining the competition globally,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
lacks to maintain their lifestyles
effectively
. This essay will discuss the viable causes behind this issue, and will put forward the feasible ways to eradicate this phenomenon.

Commencing with the factors
The usual collocations for "responsible" is "responsible for". Did you mean "responsible for" or "in charge of"?
responsible of
this issue,
firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has become goal-oriented, that due to rising competitions, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work to achieve the success.
As well
as, due to the increasing number of competitors in every field,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
feel insecure that they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
replaced with another one.
Therefore
, they forced
Did you mean "working"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in their task sectors. Unfortunately, they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "lack"
lacks
to spend time with their families.
Moreover
, the masses
are attracted
to materialistic lifestyles. To exemplify, everyone wants to have luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, car and expensive commodities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, peoples' effort at their job places over point, even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stay at offices and trial in night shifts.
Consequently
, its effects on their personal life,
as well
as, on their mental and physical appearances.

Turning to the elucidations to combat this issue.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Denizens should limit their working hours. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a schedule to complete the tasks in their workplaces.
Additionally
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
plans for outings on the weekends with their families and friends.
As a result
, they
The word 'relief' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
can relief
from the overburden of job and employees can enjoy with their beloved one in their
leisurely
pace.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "campaign"
campaigns
through public places and social media about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
involved during working for a long time age.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, bureaucrats could impose strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
on the overt time performance.

To recapitulate, it is undeniable fact that over moment
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
and self-oriented
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
cause problems in mental ability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
,
as well
as, it causes the gap between families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, everyone should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in mind these threats and should maintain the lifestyles
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
personal and professional.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay describe your favorite toy when you were a child? describe this toy and explain why it was important to you. include details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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