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You purchased a children's toy from the Internet. When you got the toy, it had some problems. Write a letter to the manager. . describe the toy, what the problem was, what action you want them to take. v.1

You purchased a children's toy from the Internet. When you got the toy, it had some problems. Write a letter to the manager. . describe the toy, what the problem was, what action you want them to take. v. 1
The crime rates around the world has increased significantly, particularly among youngsters. This is mainly a desperation act due to the need and lack of money. There are some solutions that could be implemented to suppress this issue. First of all, many young people become criminals because of the lack of financial support to get a proper and decent life. In other words, the need of food, health care, clothes, home, etc. , bring people to commit into a wrongdoing. Take For example, a lot of poor citizens struggle to find some food to survive, so they do not have any other options than stealing. One of the main factors is because the difficulty to find a job even for university degree holder. As a result, the number of unemployed individual and crimes will increase dramatically. There are two effective solutions to prevent a person to commit a crime. First of all, the government could provide subsidies for people in need. Not only by giving out cheaper food and health care, but also by educating some of the most important skills to survive. So, uneducated people will start learning how to become financially independent. Secondly, education institution needs to provide more practical skills, so the graduate students will be able to find a job more easily. These solutions would hopefully prevent people to act out of the law. In conclusion, by giving out main needs for the poor and providing sufficient skills for each individual will eventually bring down crime figures.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates around the world has increased
significantly
,
particularly
among youngsters. This is
mainly
a desperation act due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
and lack of money. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions that could
be implemented
to suppress this issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of financial support to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a proper and decent life.
In other words
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of food, health care, clothes, home, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to commit into a wrongdoing. Take
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
poor citizens struggle to find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food to survive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not have any other options than stealing. One of the main factors is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the difficulty to find a job even for university degree holder.
As a result
, the number of unemployed individual and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
will increase
dramatically
.

There are two effective solutions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
a person to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could provide subsidies for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by giving out cheaper food and health care,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
by educating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to survive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, uneducated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning how to become
financially
independent.
Secondly
, education institution
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to provide more practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the graduate students will be able to find a job more
easily
. These solutions would
hopefully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to act out of the law.

In conclusion
, by giving out main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
for the poor and providing sufficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for each individual will
eventually
bring down
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
figures.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay You purchased a children's toy from the Internet. When you got the toy, it had some problems. Write a letter to the manager. . describe the toy, what the problem was, what action you want them to take. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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