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What is your most vivid childhood memory? Are you still in touch with your childhood friends? What was your favorite toy when you were a child? Is it important for children to have fun? v.1

What is your most vivid childhood memory? Are you still in touch with your childhood friends? What was your favorite toy when you were a child? Is it important for children to have fun? v. 1
People’s life expectancy in the 21st century has been rising on an unprecedented scale. As a result, policymakers are now considering extending the working age for old people. Prolonged life is, on the one hand, a welcome change for many individuals, yet I believe this is completely not a good idea for old people to continue to work due to several reasons related to their deteriorated work performance and capability to adapt to new technologies. Breakthroughs in medicine and heightened awareness of nutrition are the two key factors leading to longevity. For example, nanotechnology, with tiny robots being injected into patients’ body and mending all their damaged organs, are believed to the one of the secrets to obliterate any currently incurable diseases such as cancer. Additionally, people nowadays are better aware of the importance of a good diet, and such wise consumption can ensure good health and consequently extended age. However, extending people’s working age can be a catastrophe to both senior citizens and companies. The majority of people at the age of 65 or over, especially in developing countries, are unable to maintain the same degree of performance as their younger counterparts. This would eventually give rise to many unwanted repercussions that affect the company’s overall profits and the personal life of the aged workers as well. Also, the fast-paced life requires quick adaption and adjustments to new technology, and this is something that the elderly may never be on par with the younger ones. It is not an overstatement to say that it is a torture to work in a place where you are both physically and technologically inferior to your younger co-workers. In conclusion, my firm conviction is that old people should not be involved in work any longer than their designated retirement age now. If the need for workforce is urgent, old people can, to a certain extent, work as consultants or mentors rather than the main labor force.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy in the 21st century has been rising on an unprecedented scale.
As a result
, policymakers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
considering extending the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Prolonged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is, on the one hand, a welcome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals,
yet
I believe this is completely not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
due to several reasons related to their deteriorated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance and capability to adapt to new technologies.

Breakthroughs in medicine and heightened awareness of nutrition are the two key factors leading to longevity.
For example
, nanotechnology, with tiny robots
being injected
into patients’ body and mending all their damaged organs,
are believed
to the one of the secrets to obliterate any
currently
incurable diseases such as cancer.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays are better aware of the importance of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
diet, and such wise consumption can ensure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health and
consequently
extended age.

However
, extending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
can be a catastrophe to both senior citizens and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. The majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 65 or over,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, are unable to maintain the same degree of performance as their younger counterparts. This would
eventually
give rise to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unwanted repercussions that affect the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s
overall
profits and the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of the aged workers
as well
.
Also
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
requires quick adaption and adjustments to new technology, and this is something that the elderly may never be on par with the younger ones. It is not an overstatement to say that it is a torture to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a place where you are both
physically
and
technologically
inferior to your younger co-workers.

In conclusion
, my firm conviction is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
be involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
any longer than their designated retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. If the need for workforce is urgent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can, to a certain extent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as consultants or mentors
rather
than the main labor force.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay What is your most vivid childhood memory? Are you still in touch with your childhood friends? What was your favorite toy when you were a child? Is it important for children to have fun? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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