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TPO26 – Independent: A/D? It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parent's jobs than to choose jobs that very different from their parent's job. v.1

TPO26 – Independent: A/D? It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parent's jobs than to choose jobs that very different from their parent's job. v. 1
Women are believed to be better at raising children than men so the working life of them is becoming less important. I personally disagree with the statement and supposed that upbringing children should not be considered as women’s matter. On the one hand, the intent that women should completely concentrate on taking care of children is no longer suitable in recent years. Firstly, both men and women have the same ability to raise their children. To be more precious, in a family, the mother might be closer to their children than the father but in fact, there are some children still grow up normally although they live with only their dads. Secondly, women in modern life have to balance between family and working so concentrating too much on upbringing children might make women’s life become imbalance and it also leads to some consequences. For instance, the work productivity might be decreased when women have kids because they have less free time for their favors to gain qualifications for their career paths. On the other hand, it would be unfair to say women should work less and focus on taking care of their children. There is a variety of women who succeed when they pursue their life-work. As an example, Miss Do Lien was a literature teacher before she decided to attend in the insurance business and became the chairman of AAA insurance company 8 years later. Moreover, back to working life after maternity leave, women can share their husbands the burden of money to raise their child. In other words, when the baby becomes steadier, the bringing up and earning money should be shared equally between the wife and the husband. To conclude, I claim that women should balance between working and taking care of children instead of prioritizing one of these.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are believed
to be better at raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of them is becoming less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. I
personally
disagree with the statement and supposed that upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
be considered
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
matter.

On the one hand, the intent that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should completely concentrate on taking care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is no longer suitable in recent years.
Firstly
, both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the same ability to raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To be more precious, in a family, the mother might be closer to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than the father
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
still
grow up
normally
although they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their dads.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
balance between family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
concentrating too much on upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
become imbalance and it
also
leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consequences.
For instance
, the work productivity might
be decreased
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have less free time for their favors to gain qualifications for their career paths.

On the other hand
, it would be unfair to say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should work less and focus on taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. There is a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who succeed when they pursue their life-work. As an example, Miss Do Lien was a literature teacher
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
she decided to attend in the insurance business and became the chairman of AAA insurance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
8 years later.
Moreover
, back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
after maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can share their husbands the burden of money to raise their child.
In other words
, when the baby becomes steadier, the bringing up and earning money should
be shared
equally
between the wife and the husband.

To conclude
, I claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
and taking care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
instead
of prioritizing one of these.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay TPO26 – Independent: A/D? It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parent's jobs than to choose jobs that very different from their parent's job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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