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What discovery in last 100 years has been most beneficial for people in your country? Using specific reasons and examples to support your idea. v.2

What discovery in last 100 years has been most beneficial for people in your country? Using specific reasons and examples to support your idea. v. 2
Today’s contemporary world is formed by myriad invention and discoveries in various sectors. However, internet invention is proven to be most beneficial for the world. It has change life of the people in my city too in many ways and became efficient source of knowledge. Internet helping my city to operate rapidly and efficiently. Internet has impacted educational industries phenomenally. It has made learning easy and facilitate many educational bodies in launching online courses. Due to this education rate has increased as well as working people are motivated to study further. In India, Symbiosis University offer’s wide range of online master courses, one of my friend is working for one of the prominent retail chain since five year, is currently pursuing Mba in retail management from the same university to gain better prospect. In India internet was not commonly used by people due to unawareness and economic factors. However today it is used widely by my nation’s populace. It has given all together different diversion to shopping channels by promoting online shopping. This provide convenient ways of purchasing anything; from household stuff to luxuries houses. It is used in schools and colleges for teaching purpose. Students, companies and professionals are getting enormous information for their projects. Submitting application has become more mechanical comparatively. Easy excess to internet has also boosted industries associated with it such as mobile companies. Inexpensive availability of internet helped these companies to launch smart phones and delivered attractive benefits to them. People in my countries are more aware today then before few decades. Government in many state of India is training government officials for using internet to carry out their task effectively and in time. Police department will be soon using software supported by internet for lodging the crime complains. All the discoveries have their distinct contribution in building this better world. However internet has effected all field positively and changed the prospects of life. It has made life convenient, comfortable and luxurious.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s contemporary world
is formed
by myriad invention and discoveries in various sectors.
However
, internet invention
is proven
to be most beneficial for the world. It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
life of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in my city too in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways and became efficient source of knowledge. Internet helping my city to operate
rapidly
and
efficiently
.

Internet has impacted educational industries
phenomenally
. It has made learning easy and facilitate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
educational bodies in launching online courses. Due to this education rate has increased
as well
as working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are motivated
to study
further
. In India, Symbiosis University offer’s wide range of online master courses, one of my friend is working for one of the prominent retail chain since five year, is
currently
pursuing
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mba
in retail management from the same university to gain better prospect.

In India internet was not
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
due to unawareness and economic factors.
However
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
widely
by my nation’s populace. It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
all together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
diversion to shopping channels by promoting online shopping.
The verb 'provide' is plural. Did you mean: "This provides"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This provide
convenient ways of purchasing anything; from household stuff to luxuries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in schools and colleges for teaching purpose. Students,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and professionals are getting enormous information for their projects. Submitting application has become more mechanical
comparatively
.

Easy excess to internet has
also
boosted industries associated with it such as mobile
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. Inexpensive availability of internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to launch smart phones and delivered attractive benefits to them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in my countries are more aware
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
Did you mean "than"?
then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
few decades.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
in
Possible agreement error. The noun state seems to be countable; consider using: "many states".
many state
of India is training
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
officials for using internet to carry out their task
effectively
and in time. Police department will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
using software supported by internet for lodging the crime complains.

All the discoveries have their distinct contribution in building this better world.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
internet has effected all field
positively
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the prospects of life. It has made life convenient, comfortable and luxurious.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay What discovery in last 100 years has been most beneficial for people in your country? Using specific reasons and examples to support your idea. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
327 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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