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What change would make to your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.2

What change would make to your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 2
Many people dislike change, yet that change only makes the difference. Several cities of world are enduring to make their city better place for their local populace. With the same zeal I would like my city to pass a law to the corporate offices to have child – care in their office premises, less crowded activity parks and museums. I discern that this change will help women’s of my age as well their children. Further in my essay I will be annexing my elucidation about the changes I desire to be in my city for my age scale women. Inflation is accelerating with developing world therefore both the partners have to work for earning their bread and butter. Many companies are establishing in my city Ahmedbad, India. Avalanche of new companies have resulted boost in the job market in my city. But it is unfortunate that none of the companies has day - care facility for their employees in their buildings. It is little inconvenient for the women who have to leave their three or four year kids at home or keep them away from their sight. In this bothering, women’s are not able to concentrate in their work as such I consider this change imperative. By doing so companies as well as employees both will be benefited. If Government of Gujarat will pass the law to all companies of the state to grant day –care facility to their employees, it will be the first state in India to take that initiative. Dense Green Park enhances the beauty of the city, my city has built various parks but none of the park has been made to take relaxing walk or sit in the park to enjoy tranquility. All most all the parks of my city remains crowded with couples or families with kids. As I deemed by city most blustering city of Gujarat, it must have some park for walking and amusement activity like fishing. It would help crowd of my age to do meditation, jogging, observing some sunlight and enjoying serenity. Fishing will be new as well as adventurous for city crowd and me, also it is an activity that can be done with family and friends. I want few historical museum to be built in my city as it could be very good source of knowledge about important historical aspect happen in entire state of Gujarat. Also it will help us to be connected with our linguistic and ancestral world. For instance Museum can be constructed about Mahatma Gandhi’s effort as freedom fighter. Development is never ending process therefore my city Ahmedabd that is deemed as mega city must make effort to serve some facilities required by women alike me - studying and working mothers. These changes can make it illegible for Metro city. It will be bilateral benefit for both of us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
dislike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
,
yet
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the difference. Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
of world are enduring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their city better place for their local populace. With the same zeal I would like my city to pass a law to the corporate offices to have child
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
care in their office premises, less crowded activity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and museums. I discern that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
of my age
as well
their children.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
in my essay I will be annexing my elucidation about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
I desire to be in my city for my age scale women.

Inflation is accelerating with developing world
therefore
both the partners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for earning their bread and butter.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are establishing in my city
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ahmedbad
, India. Avalanche of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have resulted boost in the job market in my city.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it is unfortunate that none of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
has day
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
care facility for their employees in their buildings. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
inconvenient for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their three or four year kids at home or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them away from their sight. In this bothering,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
are not able to concentrate in their work as such I consider this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
imperative. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as well
as employees both will
be benefited
. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
of Gujarat
Consider removing 'will'. (Usually, 'will' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless in the sense 'want to' or 'be willing to'.)
will pass
the law to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
of the state to grant day –care facility to their employees, it will be the
first
state in India to take that initiative.

Dense Green
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Park
enhances the beauty of the city, my city has built various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
none of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
has
been made
to take relaxing walk or sit in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
to enjoy tranquility.
Did you mean "almost"?
All most
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
of my city remains crowded with couples or families with kids. As I deemed by city most blustering city of Gujarat, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
for walking and amusement activity like fishing. It would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
crowd of my age to do meditation, jogging, observing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sunlight and enjoying serenity. Fishing will be new
as well
as adventurous for city crowd and me,
also
it is an activity that can
be done
with family and friends.

I want few historical museum to
be built
in my city as it could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of knowledge about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
historical aspect happen in entire state of Gujarat.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to
be connected
with our linguistic and ancestral world.
For instance
Museum can
be constructed
about Mahatma Gandhi’s effort as freedom fighter.

Development is never ending process
therefore
my city
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ahmedabd
that
is deemed
as mega city
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
effort to serve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facilities required by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
alike me
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
studying and working mothers. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
it illegible for Metro city. It will be bilateral benefit for both of us.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay What change would make to your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
475 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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