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TPO 15 learning children financial skill from the younger age make them strong for the future financial responsibilities. v.2

TPO 15 learning children financial skill from the younger age make them strong for the future financial responsibilities. v. 2
Money is the most important goal of many people in all over the world and the methods for using it extremely differs from one person to another. Nowadays it is commonly accepted that people should taught financial responsibilities to their children from the young ages. Contrary to this believe there are still those who argue that it is not required to fill minds of children with the concerns related to money. However, I, to a great extent, agree with this idea that the children should have their own financial source and learn managing it for the following reasons. The first aspect to point out is that the children can develop their skills better in the young ages. It is obvious that our ability to learn is decreased with a fast rate as we grow up. You can see how the children can get a point only with very short explanation. As people try to equip their sons and daughters with a wide range of social, sport and science information as soon as possible, they should be concern about a very important skill of their children about managing financial source. The intelligence of children provide a worthwhile opportunity for them to create a strong base for financial skills and promote them in the older ages. Another significant point which should be taken in to consideration is that children should feel the importance of being independent. Some children take money every time they want from their parents. Indeed, they do not make decision whether spend a money for a special thing or not, they only request from others. Due to the lack of giving task from the parents to them, they never be able to independently decide about their money as a result cannot make it in the future. Finally yet importantly, they can learn how to use money. They can be familiar the real aspects of living that they have to spend money first for their critical needs. For example, if a child experienced this situation that he does not have enough money for buying food in the school, maybe he cry for a minute, but learned about the preferances of spending money. Based on the above-mentioned points, I am convinced that giving children a private and limited amount of money and force them to be responsible to manage appropriately make them strong enough in contradicting with the future financial troubles. Sharp abilities of children to learn, importance of being independent and preferences in spending money can be introduced as the main reason to support this theory.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
goal of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in all over the world and the methods for using it
extremely
differs from one person to another. Nowadays it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "teach"
taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
responsibilities to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the young ages. Contrary to this
Did you mean "belief" (noun) instead of believe (verb)?
believe
there are
still
those who argue that it is not required to fill minds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with the concerns related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
However
, I, to a great extent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
source and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
managing it for the following reasons.

The
first
aspect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
out is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
better in the young ages. It is obvious that our ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
is decreased
with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
rate as we grow up. You can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
short explanation. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
try to equip their sons and daughters with a wide range of social, sport and science information as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible, they should be concern about a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
source. The intelligence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
provide a worthwhile opportunity for them to create a strong base for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and promote them in the older ages.

Another significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
which should
be taken
in to consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should feel the importance of being independent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
every time they want from their parents.
Indeed
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decision whether spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for a special thing or not, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
request from others. Due to the lack of giving task from the parents to them, they
The adverb 'never' is usually put after the verb 'be'.
never be
able to
independently
decide about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a result
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it in the future.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
yet
importantly
, they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. They can be familiar the real aspects of living that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
first
for their critical needs.
For example
, if a child experienced this situation that he does not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for buying food in the school, maybe he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "cries", "cried".
cry
for a minute,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
learned about the
Possible spelling mistake found.
preferances
of spending money.

Based on the above-mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
, I
am convinced
that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a private and limited amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and force them to be responsible to manage
appropriately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
in contradicting with the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
troubles. Sharp abilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
, importance of being independent and preferences in spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
be introduced
as the main reason to support this theory.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 15 learning children financial skill from the younger age make them strong for the future financial responsibilities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
426 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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