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What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.1

What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1
Promotion has been an inextricable issue to employers for a long time. Some people think that only old employees should be given a higher position. However, others argue that workers with excellent performance should also be promoted. From my perspective, there are equal opportunities in aggrandizement for both. On the one hand, former staffs deserve to be promoted owing to their various experiences in performing tasks. Since they’ve been working for a long time, they gain the understanding of the company’s cultures and policies, also, of how things work. Thus, they are able to work in a short time with minor errors which can hasten the working process and enhance the company’s profit. Moreover, old staffs can have significant impact on their co-workers as most junior employees tend to have respect for their seniors. They have their own voices in the corporation that enable them to easily conduct other people. As a result, a harmonious and effective working environment is created among colleagues. Finally, long time employees should be rewarded for their loyalty to the company. If not, there is a probability that they will quit the job to find a higher position and earn a larger salary in another place. This can bring about serious consequences for the company itself such as decreasing revenue or the lack of productivity. On the other hand, new employees should also be given the chance to be promoted if they are talented enough. Sometimes their performances are even more superior to that of senior employees because they possess more skills and qualifications. Furthermore, a new employee doesn’t mean having little experiences; in fact, he/she may have a wide range of experience and knowledge acquired in other organization. Hence, it is of no doubt that they might do even better than the old employees at handling various domains which can be tremendously productive to the company. Another benefit of promoting new talents is that it helps boost the equality in the promotion chance. Thanks to promotion being considered by the performance as well as the development of the workers instead of the working time, the company won’t miss any potential talent who can contribute to the company’s profits. In conclusion, although it is indubitable that old employees can improve their status owing to their amazing qualities, juniors should also be able to receive some fair chances in promotion if they perform their tasks brilliantly.
Promotion has been an inextricable issue to employers for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a higher position.
However
, others argue that workers with excellent performance should
also
be promoted
. From my perspective, there are equal opportunities in aggrandizement for both.

On the one hand, former staffs deserve to
be promoted
owing to their various experiences in performing tasks. Since they’ve been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they gain the understanding of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
cultures and policies,
also
, of how things work.
Thus
, they are able to work in a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with minor errors which can hasten the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
process and enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
profit.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
staffs can have significant impact on their co-workers as most junior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
tend to have respect for their seniors. They have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
voices in the corporation that enable them to
easily
conduct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
As a result
, a harmonious and effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
environment
is created
among colleagues.
Finally
, long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should
be rewarded
for their loyalty to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. If not, there is a probability that they will quit the job to find a higher position and earn a larger salary in another place. This can bring about serious consequences for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
itself such as decreasing revenue or the lack of productivity.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the chance to
be promoted
if they
are talented
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
their performances are even more superior to that of senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they possess more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and qualifications.
Furthermore
, a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
doesn’t mean having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
experiences; in fact, he/she may have a wide range of experience and knowledge acquired in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
organization.
Hence
, it is of no doubt that they might do even better than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
at handling various domains which can be
tremendously
productive to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. Another benefit of promoting new talents is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
boost the equality in the promotion chance. Thanks to promotion
being considered
by the performance
as well
as the development of the workers
instead
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
won’t miss any potential talent who can contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
profits.

In conclusion
, although it is indubitable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their status owing to their amazing qualities, juniors should
also
be able to receive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
chances in promotion if they perform their tasks
brilliantly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
400 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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