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What change would make to your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.1

What change would make to your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1
It is argued that violent programs and contents in TV, social media and so on encouraging the violent activities in society. I am a firm advocate of this view. This essay will discuss my reasoning of this and conclude with a stand on this argument. To begin with, the media have been an integral part of people's life and so is its content. People are often inspired by the programs or contents that they regularly view on TV or internet. To illustrate, during a recent study of school of Harvard Human Sciences on "effect of visual media on people" shows that almost 60 percent of participants of that programme voted a violent way to resolve a problem in society, which was 30 percent prior to program. Also, the way people were passing comments to each other was also disturbing. Furthermore, imitation by many children and young star is also a dark side of media content which can promote violence. Being unaware of the consequence, children and young star try to copy their superstars and other celebrity, which ultimately has an impact on their habits and behaviour. Such behaviour will only get stronger with age. Children think dominating another and fighting like stars will make them feel like a hero, on the other hand, love, drugs, and other social scenes encourages younger to seek solutions in a violent way. In conclusion, as media play a vital role in people life, it's programs and broadcasting has wide consequences on people's thinking. Negativity on children proves this too. Hence, I strongly believe the program and content that do not support harmony are the major contributor to the violence in society.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
and contents in TV, social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on encouraging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
activities in society. I am a firm advocate of this view. This essay will discuss my reasoning of this and conclude with a stand on this argument.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have been an integral part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
inspired by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
or contents that they
regularly
view on TV or internet. To illustrate, during a recent study of school of Harvard Human Sciences on
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
effect of visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that almost 60 percent of participants of that
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
voted a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
way to resolve a problem in society, which was 30 percent prior to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
.
Also
, the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were passing comments to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
was
also
disturbing.

Furthermore
, imitation by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and young star is
also
a dark side of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
which can promote violence. Being unaware of the consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and young star try to copy their superstars and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
celebrity, which
ultimately
has an impact on their habits and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
stronger with age.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
dominating another and fighting like stars will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel like a hero, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, drugs, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
social scenes encourages younger to seek solutions in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
way.

In conclusion
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
play a vital role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
life, it's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
and broadcasting has wide consequences on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's thinking. Negativity on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
proves this too.
Hence
, I
strongly
believe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
that do not support harmony are the major contributor to the violence in society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay What change would make to your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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