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some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v.2

some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 2
Nowadays, there have been an ongoing debate about children's activities during their free time, and how it is impacting them. In this essay, I will discuss the major causes relating to this, and try to provide some possible solutions to overcome this disturbing issue. Discussing the pressing problems, the main one is breaking the law in an actual world. Children, for instance, get attracted by watching all negativity in virtual life, like games or movies, and want to live their life same way. As a consequence, a few of them faces legal challenges, which is not the case in Virtuality. In addition, all those leisure activities are easily accessible to children, and companies marketing teams mainly focussing on this. Analysing the disturbing problems is essential, but it should not be the end of the discussion. Despite the above burning issues, there is a plethora of solutions that one could endeavour to undertake. Perhaps the best way to deal with it is outdoor activities. Parents should motivate their children to play at least an hour in the park, which keep them physically fit, for example. Another one is monitoring one's daily activities and providing guidance on what is right for them. Furthermore, government should enforce the law on companies, so they can distribute the violence showing products to adults. To conclude, although children are impacted due to high level of violence in leisure activities, this is not insurmountable issue, I strongly believe that It is their parents responsibility to tackle, and they should begin by considering some of the proposed solution above.
Nowadays, there have been an ongoing debate about children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
during their free time, and how it is impacting them. In this essay, I will discuss the major causes relating to this, and try to provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions to overcome this disturbing issue.

Discussing the pressing problems, the main one is breaking the law in an actual world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
,
for instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted by watching all negativity in virtual life, like games or movies, and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their life same way. As a consequence, a few of them faces legal challenges, which is not the case in Virtuality.
In addition
, all those leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
easily
accessible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
marketing teams
mainly
focussing on this.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the disturbing problems is essential,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should not be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the discussion.

Despite the above burning issues, there is a plethora of solutions that one could
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to undertake. Perhaps the best way to deal with it is outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Parents should motivate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play at least an hour in the park, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
physically
fit,
for example
. Another one is monitoring one's daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and providing guidance on what is right for them.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enforce the law on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can distribute the violence showing products to adults.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are impacted
due to high level of violence in leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, this is not insurmountable issue, I
strongly
believe that It is their parents responsibility to tackle, and they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by considering
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
proposed solution above.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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