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Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance such as food and housing. To what extent do you agree and disagree? v.14

Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance such as food and housing. v. 14
It is a fact that millions of people forcibly displaced their homes as a result of conflict, violence and persecution. Like many people, I also agree that these refugees should be hosted by developed countries which have an awash of resources to provide their basic needs, especially accommodation and food. Firstly, refugees are people, which are seeking asylum because they don’t have a safe environment in their own countries and it is not their fault to be born in these areas. Morally it is other nations responsibility to take care of them because of the human rights law. Particularly, wealthier countries should do that because they are the ones who consumes most of the world’s natural resources. Although it is not happening now, world’s recent history is full of exploitation and the wealth of powerful countries was built on those actions. For example, Africa is suffering from poverty and water scarcity despite their rich natural resources which was dominated by Europe. Furthermore, poorer political territories usually don’t have enough power to pay for their own citizens welfare benefits and yet they are accepting refugees. For instance, Turkey is hosting the largest population in the world, but the government can’t afford to give all of them their basic needs. Hence big part of them are begging on the streets for food. On the other hand, there are other countries like Australia, which providing refugees a house, payment and even free education. These wealthier circumstances give these people a chance to self-development and making these individuals beneficial to society. In conclusion, I believe refugees should accept by rich countries because they have a power to reintegration these people by given them basic needs and they need to share their power which gained by consuming earth’s nature with other earth citizens.
It is a fact that millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forcibly
displaced their homes
as a result
of conflict, violence and persecution. Like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
should
be hosted
by developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which have
The phrase 'an awash of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'an' and 'of'.
an awash of
resources to provide their basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
,
especially
accommodation and food.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which are seeking asylum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don’t have a safe environment in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and it is not their fault to
be born
in these areas.
Morally
it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "nations'" or "nation's"?
nations
responsibility to take care of them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the human rights law.
Particularly
, wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should do that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are the ones who
Did you mean "consume"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'ones' should be used.
consumes
most of the world’s natural resources. Although it is not happening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, world’s recent history is full of exploitation and the wealth of powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
was built
on those actions.
For example
, Africa is suffering from poverty and water scarcity despite their rich natural resources which
was dominated
by Europe.

Furthermore
, poorer political territories
usually
don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
power to pay for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
citizens welfare
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
benefits and
yet
they are accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
.
For instance
, Turkey is hosting the largest population in the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can’t afford to give all of them their basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
part of them are begging on the streets for food. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Australia, which providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, payment and even free education. These wealthier circumstances give these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a chance to self-development and making these individuals beneficial to society.

In conclusion
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
should accept by rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a power to reintegration these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
them basic
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
needs and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to share their power which gained by consuming earth’s nature with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
earth citizens.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance such as food and housing. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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