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Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.2

Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness. v. 2
Riches do not fundamentally insurance happiness. In my opinion, I slightly agree with this statement due to money is necessary, however, it is not assurance peace of mind. Firstly, wealth is needed in life because without money we can not survive. Properties basically bring good things to our relationship, health, education. Frist and foremost, Relationship can develop and maintain easily with money because you can treat your friends, give luxury gifts for your lovers, and take care your family. Then, you can use your money to hire a personal doctor to look after your health, in addition, you can have a perfect diet with money. Finnally, you will have a lot of chances to approach the modern educational system base on your prosperity. For instance, even though Miss. Thien was born in the poor country but her family is very rich so she can go aboard for studying. Secondly, Wealth is not guaranteed pleasure as the results of serious illness, unlimited stratification. First and foremost, IF you have a mental sickness, for example, anxiety disorder, you will always worry about everything around you, which is not needed to be worried. Because of that, you can not enjoy your life even you have a lot of money, which can not heal your mental illness completely. After that, If you lack some parts of your body, for instance, your legs, you can not use your money to have normal legs like normal people. Finnally, People will never stratificate with the amount of money they have so that even though you are a wealthy person you still thinking about money, we always want to have more and more money, this circumstance is not stopped until we recognize it is too late to enjoy life. For instance, Mr Tram has a lot of money hut he died when he just 30 years old because an unexpected stroke, which is the results of working extremely hard. To sum up, I think wealth is necessary but it is not insurance happiness and it is important to start to find the way to enjoy life even we do not have a lot of money.
Riches do not
fundamentally
insurance happiness. In my opinion, I
slightly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is necessary,
however
, it is not assurance peace of mind.

Firstly
, wealth
is needed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
we can not survive. Properties
basically
bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things to our relationship, health, education.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Frist
and foremost, Relationship can develop and maintain
easily
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you can treat your friends, give luxury gifts for your lovers, and take care your family. Then, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to hire a personal doctor to look after your health,
in addition
, you can have a perfect diet with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Finnally
, you will have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of chances to approach the modern educational system base on your prosperity.
For instance
,
even though
Miss.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thien
was born
in the poor country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
her family is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rich
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
she can go aboard for studying.

Secondly
, Wealth is not guaranteed pleasure as the results of serious illness, unlimited stratification.
First
and foremost, IF you have a mental sickness,
for example
, anxiety disorder, you will always worry about everything around you, which is not needed to
be worried
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, you can not enjoy your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
even you have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, which can not heal your mental illness completely. After that, If you lack
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of your body,
for instance
, your legs, you can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to have normal legs like normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Finnally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
will never
Possible spelling mistake found.
stratificate
with the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
even though
you are a wealthy person you
still
thinking about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, we always want to have more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, this circumstance is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
until we recognize it is too late to enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, Mr Tram has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
hut he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
when he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an unexpected stroke, which is the results of working
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
wealth is necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not insurance happiness and it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to find the way to enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
even we do not have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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