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Many people believe that the increased presence of violence in films and television these days in responsible for the rising incidents of violent crimes among youths in society. They argued that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this argument? v.1

Many people believe that the increased presence of violence in films and television these days in responsible for the rising incidents of violent crimes among youths in society. They argued that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this argument? v. 1
Many individuals believe that augmentation of violence is directly proportional to the number of movies related to the crimes and the statutory bodies should have onus to scrutinize the media so that it can be dwindled. I concur with this notion and will elucidate my views along with a conclusion in the subsequent paragraphs. It is ubiquitous that now most of the youth is inclined towards watching these thriller movies which is related to executing the crimes or murder perfectly and there are many incidences when youngsters intimated these movie crimes in real life. So such movies which show the high graphic content should be examined very strictly or a certificate should be provided for the producers as murder provoking descend should be prohibited in cinemas. Demographic trends have revealed that in the last year, most of the crime is motivated from such movies. Thus, it is essential that such films should be censored by the censor board. Furthermore, youngsters and adolescents are most vulnerable while watching these movies as they are deprived of the negative repercussions of such heinous crimes. If movie makers produce such kind of movies, then they should be penalised with heavy taxes so that they will think twice before making it; for instance, the Swedish Government had imposed a 40 percent tax on such movie directors and as a result they don't produce these films, eventually the crime rate has diminished considerably in that country. To encapsulate, a stringent steps should be taken by an administrators so that there would be less movies related to crimes in nesr future and teenagers can have a peaceful life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individuals believe that augmentation of violence is
directly
proportional to the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
related to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
and the statutory bodies should have onus to scrutinize the media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it can
be dwindled
. I concur with this notion and will elucidate my views along with a conclusion in the subsequent paragraphs.

It is ubiquitous that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
most of the youth
is inclined
towards watching these thriller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
which
is related
to executing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
or murder
perfectly
and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
incidences when youngsters intimated these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in real life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the high graphic content should
be examined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strictly
or a certificate should
be provided
for the producers as murder provoking descend should
be prohibited
in cinemas. Demographic trends have revealed that in the last year, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is motivated
from such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
.
Thus
, it is essential that such films should
be censored
by the censor board.

Furthermore
, youngsters and adolescents are most vulnerable while watching these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
as they
are deprived
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
repercussions of such heinous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
makers produce such kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
, then they should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'penalised' is British English.
penalised
with heavy taxes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making it;
for instance
, the Swedish
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
had imposed a 40 percent tax on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
directors and
as a result
they don't produce these films,
eventually
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate has diminished
considerably
in that country.

To encapsulate, a stringent
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "step"?
steps
should
be taken
by an administrators
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that there would be
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun movies is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
nesr
future and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can have a peaceful life
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Many people believe that the increased presence of violence in films and television these days in responsible for the rising incidents of violent crimes among youths in society. They argued that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this argument? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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