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Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.12

Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness. v. 12
For most of the people around the world money is the key to prosperity, and people think the more property or wealth you have the more happier you are. Whereas, others believe that the more money means more problems than it solves. Although, I believe that a person can live a happy life only if they have sufficient amount of funds to live a peaceful life, and can easily pay for the food and shelter. To begin with, there are several reasons which explains why more money cause only stress not joy. First, if a person has millions of dollars there is no reason to go out to work and strive for anything. Secondly, rich people sort of attract the wrong kind of people, who only pretend to be their friends just because they have so much richness. For instance, because of fake friends, rich kids get into bad companies and end up being drug addicts. Consequently, people start distrusting even those who are loyal and honest with you in any situation. Furthermore, having plenty of money results in more fear. The rich will start to construct big walls around their houses to keep their wealth away from the world in the closed doors. Such as, there is no point of having too much of property if you do not have quality of life, as well as, you do not have time to spend that money in a proper way. Last but not least, they will become selfish and always feel that people who are poor are con artist and behind their prosperity. To sum up, because of all these reasons I personally feel that great amount of property bring stress and problems which is a total opposite of prosperity. It leads to loose them their sight of the real source of peace of mind which is friends and family not richness.
For most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the key to prosperity, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the more property or wealth you have the
Use only "happier" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more happier
you are.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, others believe that the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
means more problems than it solves. Although, I believe that a person can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happy life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if they have sufficient amount of funds to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a peaceful life, and can
easily
pay for the food and shelter.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several reasons which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
why more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
not joy.
First
, if a person has millions of dollars there is no reason to go out to work and strive for anything.
Secondly
, rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
sort of attract the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pretend to be their friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much richness.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of fake friends, rich kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up being drug addicts.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
distrusting even those who are loyal and honest with you in any situation.

Furthermore
, having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
results in more fear. The rich will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to construct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
walls around their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their wealth away from the world in the closed doors. Such as, there is no point of having too much of property if you do not have quality of life,
as well
as, you do not have time to spend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
Consider replacing "in a proper way" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper way
. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, they will become selfish and always feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are poor are con artist and behind their prosperity.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of all these reasons I
personally
feel that great amount of property bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and problems which is a total opposite of prosperity. It leads to
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
them their sight of the real source of peace of mind which is friends and family not richness.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Wealth does not necessarily guaranty happiness. v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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