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Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.5

Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 5
We live in an age where most of the people run a busy life in order to fulfil their necessities. Therefore, they neglect, physical problems caused by their lifestyle. Modern living creates more requirements more than daily needs, which makes humankind lazy and irresponsible. To overcome this situation, both individuals and society have to rethink and reform the current systems. Firstly, If we look at the problem, we could clearly see that enormous amount of industries emerges to fulfil the increasing luxuries; therefore, there is a heavy competition among them to achieve their unrealistic profit margin. Mostly the human force is replaced by machines, and recruiters hire professionals for IT and management purposes only. For example, software engineers are hired in most of the places, where they are used to working under pressure even in weekends to meet company’s shrank deadlines. Another reason is, mankind is exposed to and fascinated by electronic gadgets like mobile phones, television and play stations; although, they have enough time to invest in exercising. However, a good solution to this problem will be that private companies should be flexible enough to reduce the hours spent at the office. In other words, employers must create free sessions at work so that employees can exercise more. To illustrate, in 2000, 50 out of 60 industries in the US cut back the number of working hours from eight hours to six hours, and this has helped workers to have more time to keep fit. Hence, managers are encouraged to slash the number of working hours to give space for other activities. To sum up, many people can not perform exercises regularly because of the little time spent outside of work. Company leaders must, therefore, consider reducing the hours spent working. If this is done, then there will be more healthy people in the society.
We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an age where most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
run a busy life in order to fulfil their necessities.
Therefore
, they neglect, physical problems caused by their lifestyle. Modern living creates more requirements more than daily needs, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
humankind lazy and irresponsible. To overcome this situation, both individuals and society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rethink and reform the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
systems.

Firstly
, If we look at the problem, we could
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that enormous amount of industries emerges to fulfil the increasing luxuries;
therefore
, there is a heavy competition among them to achieve their unrealistic profit margin.
Mostly
the human force
is replaced
by machines, and recruiters hire professionals for IT and management purposes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
For example
, software engineers
are hired
in most of the places, where they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
under pressure even in weekends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s shrank deadlines. Another reason is, mankind
is exposed
to and fascinated by electronic gadgets like mobile phones, television and play stations; although, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to invest in exercising.

However
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
solution to this problem will be that private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should be flexible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
spent at the office.
In other words
, employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
create free sessions at work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that employees can exercise more. To illustrate, in 2000, 50 out of 60 industries in the US
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
back the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
from eight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, and this has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
workers to have more time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit.
Hence
, managers
are encouraged
to slash the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to give space for other activities.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can not perform exercises
regularly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time spent outside of work.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
leaders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
,
therefore
, consider reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. If this
is done
, then there will be more healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the society.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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