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We have often thought of creating am ideal society but most of the times we have failed in this happen what is your opinion about an ideal society v.1

We have often thought of creating am ideal society but most of the times we have failed in this happen what is your opinion about an ideal society v. 1
Although art is recognized as a versatile subject around the world, there are people who think that it is an important subject for children at school, others argue that it is a waste of their time. I agree with the former argument that art is impeccable for holistic mind growth in children. On the one hand, it is often argued that there is no tangible benefit to studying art. This is because there are very limited career prospects for people who study art. For example, people with a qualification in the arts often find it difficult to secure a job which is permanent and well paid. In contrast, people with a credential in other disciplines such as business, engineering or medicine, conveniently find jobs which are not only permanent and well paid but also highly recognized in the society. On the other hand, I would argue that teaching art at the school level is essential for a holistic mind growth in children. Art allows children to not only explore their creativity, but also enable them to express their ideas and emotions. This not only improves their communication skills, but also enhances their emotional quotient which helps them substantially later in their future careers. A survey conducted on a group of school leavers who entered their careers and years later it was found that the individuals who studied art at school or engaged in any related activities, climbed their career ladder quicker than others. In conclusion, while other people’s opinions may vary, I think that art plays an inevitable role in the overall mindset development of children which helps them to enhance their communication skills and emotional quotient for their future challenges. Therefore, art should be taught to children at school.
Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is recognized
as a versatile subject around the world, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
subject for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, others argue that it is a waste of their time. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is impeccable for holistic mind growth in children.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that there is no tangible benefit to studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
prospects for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a qualification in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find it difficult to secure a job which is permanent and well paid.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a credential in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
disciplines such as business, engineering or medicine,
conveniently
find jobs which are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
permanent and well paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
highly
recognized in the society.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I would argue that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level is essential for a holistic mind growth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
explore their creativity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
enable them to express their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and emotions. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
enhances their emotional quotient which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them
substantially
later in their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. A survey conducted on a group of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
entered their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and years later it
was found
that the individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
studied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
or engaged in any related activities, climbed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
ladder quicker than others.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
opinions may vary, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
plays an inevitable role in the
overall
mindset development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to enhance their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and emotional quotient for their future challenges.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
should
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay We have often thought of creating am ideal society but most of the times we have failed in this happen what is your opinion about an ideal society v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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