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We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits? v.3

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits? v. 3
First of all, I would like to say that computers take quite an important part in our lives nowadays. We need a computer almost in every type of business from engineering to health. Also, computers help us with being a social person. On the other hand, computers do not have a long history. For instance, when I have my first computer in the 2000s, I was just a student in primary school. Before I met the computers, I had thought that computers are very exciting, especially unbelievable. Accordingly, it was an amazing situation to have a computer in those days. Therefore, I always think that we will use different technological devices that we never imagine in the future. For example, it can be flying cars or maybe can be quite small computers that people can take with them as a watch on their hands. Mainly, computers have a lot of benefits to work, communicate and have fun. However, it can be harmful to people. Sometimes we forget to get in touch with our parents and friends because of computers. Likewise, we do not take the time to do something alone. I do not find friendships near so real nowadays. Because all people prefer to use a computer to contact to others, thus, we are becoming unsocial and alone day by day. It is very important and emotional for me to talk to my friends face to face. Unfortunately, we should be more suspicious of technology, particularly computers and mobile phones. To summarise, we should use computers for working or studying instead of use for communicating with our friends and family. Otherwise, the results of this situation can be more dangerous.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I would like to say that computers take quite an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
nowadays. We need a computer almost in every type of business from engineering to health.
Also
, computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us with being a social person.

On the other hand
, computers do not have a long history.
For instance
, when I have my
first
computer in the 2000s, I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a student in primary school.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
I met the computers, I had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that computers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
exciting,
especially
unbelievable.
Accordingly
, it was an amazing situation to have a computer in those days.
Therefore
, I always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
technological devices that we never imagine in the future.
For example
, it can be flying cars or maybe can be quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
computers that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can take with them as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on their hands.

Mainly
, computers have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits to work, communicate and have fun.
However
, it can be harmful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
we forget to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with our parents and friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of computers.
Likewise
, we do not take the time to do something alone. I do not find friendships near
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
real nowadays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a computer to contact to others,
thus
, we are becoming unsocial and alone day by day. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and emotional for me to talk to my friends face to face. Unfortunately, we should be more suspicious of technology,
particularly
computers and mobile phones.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers for working or studying
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for communicating with our friends and family.
Otherwise
, the results of this situation can be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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