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Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they completely waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they completely waste of time. v. 1
It is often argued that children should spend free time doing activities which are related to education whereas rest of the activities are nothing but killing time. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that physical and mental developments are more important in life. First of all, outdoor activities could be a great way to pursue leisure time. Nowadays, children's have few opportunities for physical activities due to huge pressure on their education which increase the chance of obesity. Also, a minimum level of physical activity makes sure child's proper growth as well as keep them fit. For example, doctor recommended young people should allow at least four hours in a weeks on physical activities such as sports, running and walking to develop them physically fit. That is why it is more important to do outdoor activities that makes them healthier than to learn only educational things all the time. Secondly, watching television besides study may relax their mind and increase concentration power. In other words, doing study continuously reduces child's concentration on their learning and sometimes they become frustrated on education, but if they are allowed a break for refreshing them by watching their favorite sows on T. V. then it boosts their concentration on learning. It is true that quality of education is more important then counting number of hours of education. Therefore, it becomes one of the great initiative to educated child's know general aspects in locally and globally throughout T. V. Shows. To conclude, I strongly believe that different activities in leisure hours become more beneficial than doing academic study because it keeps them mentally refreshed and physically fit.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that children should spend free time doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which
are related
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
whereas rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
killing time. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental developments are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in life.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could be a great way to pursue leisure time. Nowadays, children's have few opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
due to huge pressure on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
which increase the chance of obesity.
Also
, a minimum level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sure child's proper growth
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them fit.
For example
, doctor recommended young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
at least four hours in
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a week" or simply "weeks"?
a weeks
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as sports, running and walking to develop them
physically
fit.
That is
why it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to do outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them healthier than to learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
educational things all the time.

Secondly
, watching television
besides
study may relax their mind and increase concentration power.
In other words
, doing study
continuously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
child's concentration on their learning and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they become frustrated on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
a break for refreshing them by watching their favorite sows on T. V. then it boosts their concentration on learning. It is true that quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Did you mean "than"?
then
counting number of hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Therefore
, it becomes one of the great initiative to educated child's know general aspects in
locally
and globally throughout T. V.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Shows
.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in leisure hours become more beneficial than doing academic study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them mentally refreshed and
physically
fit.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they completely waste of time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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