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Watching television is bad for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Watching television is bad for children. v. 1
Watching television is what the young generation do in their leisure time. Watching television regularly causes health-related problems. This essay will be presenting the details as well as my opinion on the conclusion part. Recently, Children are so addictive to watch television which results in eye-related problems. Most children frequently watch television while they are eating a meal or other activities at home, Which create stress on their cornea and at the early stage, pupil starts to wear glasses. For example, There was a survey conducted by the University of Toronto regarding people who wear glasses and the result was from 2000 to 2017 approximately 25 percentile of children wear glasses due to hereditary problems, 65 percentile of children wear because of eye issues caused by frequently watching tv or playing video games on television. The habit of watching tv can cause a serious issue like colour blindness. Furthermore, Sometimes watching television can create a gap between children and parents or friends. Some shows give false information to the children which impact their social life. For instance, There was a cartoon broadcasted in Indian tv in the year 2007, which impacted a communication gap between children and their parents. The cartoon was about a child who describes his life without parents and gives more importance to friends. In other words, television can create a social gap which can be a huge problem. To sum up, In my opinion, watching television can be very harmful. However, if they allowed watching television at a specific time these issues can be solved. In addition, watching frequently can cause a serious problem.
Watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is what the young generation do in their leisure time. Watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
regularly
causes health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. This essay will be presenting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
as well
as my opinion on the conclusion part.

Recently,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
addictive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
which results in eye-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
while they are eating a meal or other activities at home, Which create
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on their cornea and at the early stage, pupil
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wear
glasses.
For example
, There was a survey conducted by the University of Toronto regarding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wear
glasses and the result was from 2000 to 2017 approximately 25
Possible agreement error. The noun 'percentile' seems to be countable, so consider using: "percentiles".
percentile
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "wears"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'wear' is not always incorrect.)
wear
glasses due to hereditary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, 65
Possible agreement error. The noun 'percentile' seems to be countable, so consider using: "percentiles".
percentile
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "wears"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'wear' is not always incorrect.)
wear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of eye issues caused by
frequently
watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
or playing video games on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. The habit of watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
can cause a serious issue like
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
blindness.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can create a gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and parents or friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
give false information to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which impact their social life.
For instance
, There was a cartoon broadcasted in Indian
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
in the year 2007, which impacted a communication gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their parents. The cartoon was about a child who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
his life without parents and gives more importance to friends.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can create a social gap which can be a huge problem.

To sum up, In my opinion, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
harmful.
However
, if they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
at a specific time these issues can
be solved
.
In addition
, watching
frequently
can cause a serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Watching television is bad for children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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