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Television advertising aimed at children nowadays. What are the effects of television advertising for children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v.1

Television advertising aimed at children nowadays. What are the effects of television advertising for children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v. 1
Advertising can be defined as an economic system that encourages people to buy more and more things. Nowadays, although watching television programmes are not popular for adults, it is favoured by children because parents deem that children are too young and not sustainable to obtain electronic devices. However, the mind of children will be discovered by the television advertisements in the long run. Hence, it is interesting for us to discuss the effects of television advertising and whether it is necessary to be controlled. First of all, it is an obvious effect that advertising food and drink that have high levels of fat and sugar causes child obesity. In order to attract more customers, sellers will use advertisements to promote the products which have difference with the reality. For example, the real size of the MacDonald's burger is almost a half of the burger that presented in the advertisement. Otherwise, many food advertising emphasizes on the nutritionally balanced diet, but in fact, that was a lie as most of the food ate fried and they said that eating a slide of vegetable is enough for our body's need. In addition, children pester their parents to buy the products advertised on TV is the problem, for some commercials will use children's film heroes and favourite cartoon characters to let children to purchase those products. Besides, I support that television advertising aimed at children should be controlled due to children are unable to distinguish between the actual TV programmes and commercials. A lot of information are explored by children who have not critical thinking, children are easily confusing or be persuaded by the advertisements. It is dangerous that spending money on the useless things when they have not yet learned that things cost money or that money needs to be earned. It is because advertising is given the children the illusion that everyone has free access to all material things. In conclusion, the growth of children need to be concerned by parents as to avoid they are influenced by some bad advertisements. In order to nurture the good behaviours, parents have the responsibility to filter the information before it is adsorbed by children.
Advertising can
be defined
as an economic system that encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more and more things. Nowadays, although watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
are not popular for adults, it is
Possible spelling mistake. 'favoured' is British English.
favoured
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are too young and not sustainable to obtain electronic devices.
However
, the mind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be discovered
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in the long run.
Hence
, it is interesting for us to discuss the effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
advertising and whether it is necessary to
be controlled
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an obvious effect that advertising food and drink that have high levels of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar causes child obesity. In order to attract more customers, sellers will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
to promote the products which have difference with the reality.
For example
, the real size of the MacDonald's burger is almost a half of the burger that presented in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
.
Otherwise
,
Use "much" or "little" with uncountable nouns.
many
food advertising emphasizes on the
nutritionally
balanced diet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in fact, that was a lie as most of the food ate
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
fried and
they said that eating a slide of vegetable is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for our body's need.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
pester their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the products advertised on TV is the problem, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
commercials will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
children's film heroes and
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
cartoon characters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
those products.

Besides
, I support that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
advertising aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be controlled
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are unable to distinguish between the actual TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and commercials.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
information
are explored
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have not critical thinking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
easily
confusing or
be persuaded
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
that spending money on the useless things when they have not
yet
learned that things cost money or that money needs to
be earned
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
advertising is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the illusion that everyone has free access to all material things.

In conclusion
, the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to
be concerned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as to avoid they
are influenced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. In order to nurture the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the responsibility to filter the information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it
is adsorbed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Television advertising aimed at children nowadays. What are the effects of television advertising for children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
361 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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