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A very high percentage of advertisements on television are aimed at children. What effects can television advertising have on children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v.1

A very high percentage of advertisements on television are aimed at children. What effects can television advertising have on children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v. 1
There are many television programs available for children but in between the shows there are many advertisements that appear to attract their attention. Some of those adverts might have negative effects on children, and they need to be controlled. Most of the television channels generate money by broadcasting commercial advertisements. It is difficult to deny that some of the advertisements for children contain messages, photos or videos that are appealing to children, and attempting to create the desire to own their products. These kinds of ads are aimed at children because they are too young to be rational and evaluate the messages that they are perceiving. If children frequently watch those adverts, there is a tendency for them to be materialistic and pester their parents to buy the products that they have seen from the adverts. This is a clear agenda of the advertisements as they are designed to foster greed and push children to coerce adults to buy products for them. This negative impact on children means that the adverts should be controlled as we cannot completely restrict or monitor children’s access to those commercial ads all the time. However, there are some approaches that can be employed in order to minimize the chance for children to be exposed to the traps from advertisers. One of the approaches is that television channels can be forced to change broadcast times for those adverts. These can be aired later at night when most children go to bed. If the control does not come from television channels or other authorities, then parents should take more initiative to monitor what their children are watching or select the television programs that are ad-free for them. In conclusion, advertisements aimed at children have indirect negative influences on their behavior and lifestyle and so these types of adverts need to be controlled by the media and parents.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in between the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
that appear to attract their attention.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of those adverts might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and they need to
be controlled
.

Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
channels generate money by broadcasting commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. It is difficult to deny that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
contain messages, photos or videos that are appealing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and attempting to create the desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
their products. These kinds of ads
are aimed
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are too young to be rational and evaluate the messages that they are perceiving. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
those adverts, there is a tendency for them to be materialistic and pester their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the products that they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the adverts. This is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
agenda of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
as they
are designed
to foster greed and push
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to coerce adults to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
products for them.

This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
means that the adverts should
be controlled
as we cannot completely restrict or monitor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
access to those commercial ads all the time.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
approaches that can
be employed
in order to minimize the chance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
be exposed
to the traps from advertisers. One of the approaches is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
channels can
be forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
broadcast times for those adverts. These can
be aired
later at night when most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
go to bed. If the control does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
channels or other authorities, then parents should take more initiative to monitor what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are watching or select the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs that are ad-free for them.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have indirect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences on their behavior and lifestyle and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
these types of adverts need to
be controlled
by the media and parents.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay A very high percentage of advertisements on television are aimed at children. What effects can television advertising have on children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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