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A very high percentage of advertisements on television are aimed at children. What effects can television advertising have on children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v.2

A very high percentage of advertisements on television are aimed at children. What effects can television advertising have on children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v. 2
Currently most of the advertisements on television are focused on children which may have negative effects on them. Therefore, some controls are needed to be put in place. One of the main negative effects that children might receive from advertisements on television is unhealthy lifestyle. This is because most ads that focus on the young are for unhealthy products such as candy, Coca-Cola, ice cream along with fast food. They are deliberately aimed to appeal to them through promotion meals that include popular cartoon characters and superheroes. Once they have seen superheroes they admire linked to these products, they may pester their parents to buy those products and, as a result, parents may give in to that pestering even though they know that is not healthy food to give their children. Therefore, the poor eating habits that come from ads may contribute to the increase in obesity rates in children. This negative effect on children’s lifestyle, therefore, suggest that further control of advertising is needed. One of the potential ways is to limit the time on air that unhealthy food advertisements are allowed to be shown. The prime time of ads should be the school time and bed time of children in order to make sure that there is limited exposure to the ads. If the control does not come from authorities or companies, parents should take action. One possible way that parents can do this is to choose the programs that do not include the ads or allow children to look through YouTube or online websites instead of television programs. In conclusion, television adverts aimed at children should be controlled by limiting the time that they are allowed on air and parents should choose the best way for children to look at programs because if the ads are not controlled, those ads may come up with a negative impact on children.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Currently
most of the advertisements on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
are focused
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which may have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on them.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
controls
are needed
to
be put
in place.

One of the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might receive from advertisements on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is unhealthy lifestyle. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most ads that focus on the young are for unhealthy products such as candy, Coca-Cola, ice cream along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food. They are
deliberately
aimed to appeal to them through promotion meals that include popular cartoon characters and superheroes. Once they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
superheroes they admire linked to these products, they may pester their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those products and,
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may give in to that pestering
even though
they know
that is
not healthy food to give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, the poor eating habits that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from ads may contribute to the increase in obesity rates in children.

This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
lifestyle,
therefore
, suggest that
further
control of advertising
is needed
. One of the potential ways is to limit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on air that unhealthy food advertisements are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
be shown
. The prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of ads should be the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and bed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that there
is limited
exposure to the ads. If the control does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from authorities or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take action. One possible way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can do this is to choose the programs that do not include the ads or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to look through YouTube or online websites
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
adverts aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be controlled
by limiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
on air and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should choose the best way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to look at programs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if the ads are not controlled, those ads may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay A very high percentage of advertisements on television are aimed at children. What effects can television advertising have on children? Should television advertising for children be controlled? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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