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Visit a city. would you prefer to explore new places own your own? ? ? or prefer to take an organized tour v.1

Visit a city. would you prefer to explore new places own your own? ? ? or prefer to take an organized tour v. 1
Undeniably, exercise is playing increasingly important roles in our health and lives. It is true that most people do not tend to work out and they are at risk of various cardiovascular or other diseases. In this essay I will put forth the reasons behind such reluctance and possible solutions for this problem. To begin with, by the adverse of the internet, most people immersed in the virtual world. Numerous social media, online games or even online shopping discourage working people to spend their free time on exercising. In fact the addiction to the internet and the power of amusing media have pivotal roles in this problem. Furthermore, using public transportation and cars act as deterrents to walking or riding a bike which may count as exercise. Without any doubt, the convenience of cars and the speed of buses and trains have led to physical inactivity. Hopefully, creating awareness about the risk of sedentary lifestyle would be the first step to solve this problem. Governments should launch campaigns in order to encourage people to work out. In addition, employers should set up gym courts or supply exercising facilities at workplaces or subsidize for employee’s gym membership and employees should be allowed to access them during work hours. As many studies have shown, even a few stretches have fundamentally beneficial impacts on health. In conclusion, technology and the internet are the main reasons of people avoiding exercise. Individuals should involve some simple activities during day. Governments and companies can easily encourage them to do so.
Undeniably
, exercise is playing
increasingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roles in our health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is true that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not tend to work
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
out and
they are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of various cardiovascular or other diseases. In this essay I will put forth the reasons behind such reluctance and possible solutions for this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, by
The phrase 'the adverse of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the adverse of
the internet, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
immersed in the virtual world. Numerous social media, online games or even online shopping discourage working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend their free time on exercising. In fact the addiction to the internet and the power of amusing media have pivotal roles in this problem.
Furthermore
, using public transportation and cars act as deterrents to walking or riding a bike which may count as exercise. Without any doubt, the convenience of cars and the speed of buses and trains have led to physical inactivity.

Hopefully
, creating awareness about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of sedentary lifestyle would be the
first
step to solve this problem.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should launch campaigns in order to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work out.
In addition
, employers should set up gym courts or supply exercising facilities at workplaces or subsidize for employee’s gym membership and employees should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to access them during work hours. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
studies have shown, even a few stretches have
fundamentally
beneficial impacts on health.

In conclusion
, technology and the internet are the main reasons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
avoiding exercise. Individuals should involve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
simple activities during day.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can
easily
encourage them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Visit a city. would you prefer to explore new places own your own? ? ? or prefer to take an organized tour v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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