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Visa regulations should be relaxed for overseas students. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Visa regulations should be relaxed for overseas students. v. 1
The 20th century came up with a concept of globalization, which made the whole world as virtually one nation by dissolving the physical boundaries among them. Consequently, the upcoming generation has adopted a new trend in education, and they are migrating to developed countries for studying their higher education. Some critics assert that the visa rules for this migration should be loosened up, which will make this facility more accessible to all, however I completely disagree with this and opine that visa rules should be kept strictly and the essay will outline the reasons for this. Firstly, the most prominent reason is that if the protocols for the visa are made easier then even the students with lesser intelligent quotient will also get admissions in the world class universities. This will make the professors more difficult to teach them along with brilliant students, hence the other scholars will also suffer. The New York University, For instance, in 1990 first time opened the admissions to MBA with GRE score less than 500, as a result the placement of that batch did not happen. In other words, giving relaxations in any type of visa rules will have a damaging effect on the standards of educational institutes. Moreover, such students who are not able to get the jobs after studying, they have to go back to their homeland and in some cases it becomes difficult for them to repay their education loans. Secondly, one of the components of the visa rules is the character verification of a candidate, if this process is overlooked, then it makes security of a nation vulnerable, so that an individual may have a criminal mindset can enter an established nation, and can create any mischievous act. For example, the USA once changed the visa guidelines for the university aspirants from South America, and in the following year lot of these students were imprisoned due to drugs related activities. Furthermore, such anti-social elements with bad intentions, can spoil the local young adolescent, which is dangerous for any country. To conclude, the visa rules should be strictly for students, because they are more prone to indulge in anti-social stuffs such as, drugs, violence, trafficking to earn short term pleasure. This is a big threat to any society's peace.
The 20th century came up with a concept of globalization, which made the whole world as
virtually
one nation by dissolving the physical boundaries among them.
Consequently
, the upcoming generation has adopted a new trend in education, and they are migrating to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
for studying their higher education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
critics assert that the visa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
for this migration should
be loosened
up, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this facility more accessible to all,
however
I completely disagree with this and opine that visa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
strictly
and the essay will outline the reasons for this.

Firstly
, the most prominent reason is that if the protocols for the visa
are made
Did you mean "easier than"?
easier then
even the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with lesser intelligent quotient will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admissions in the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
universities. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the professors more difficult to teach them along with brilliant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
hence
the other scholars will
also
suffer. The New York University,
For instance
, in 1990

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
first
time opened the admissions to MBA with GRE score less than 500,
as a result
the placement of that batch did not happen.
In other words
, giving relaxations in any type of visa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
will have a damaging effect on the standards of educational institutes.
Moreover
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the jobs after studying, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go back to their homeland and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases it becomes difficult for them to repay their education loans.

Secondly
, one of the components of the visa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
is the character verification of a candidate, if this process
is overlooked
, then it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
security of a nation vulnerable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that an individual may have a criminal mindset can enter an established nation, and can create any mischievous act.
For example
, the USA once
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the visa guidelines for the university aspirants from South America, and in the following year lot of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were imprisoned
due to drugs related activities.
Furthermore
, such anti-social elements with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
intentions, can spoil the local young adolescent, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for any country.

To conclude
, the visa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
should be
strictly
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more prone to indulge in anti-social stuffs such as, drugs, violence, trafficking to earn short term pleasure. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
threat to any society's peace.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Visa regulations should be relaxed for overseas students. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
378 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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