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Violence in society increases when more violence is shown on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Violence in society increases when more violence is shown on television. v. 1
Violence is one of the problematic issues faced by the society today and the government of most countries try to take measures in order to avoid any violence from taking place. Media plays a very important role in situations of violence. I will discuss about how television or media influences people during such circumstances. Earlier, people used to get information about what is happening around the world only through newspapers. So they would get only those information which gets published in the newspaper; moreover, it was a controlled media. Newspaper companies were not allowed to publish all the information, especially sensitive matters that would create violence and harm the integrity of a nation. But now there is no control on what is getting published on television news channel. Media houses telecasts sensitive matters live which creates more problems to the security of a nation. Police and the army find it difficult to handle such situations as all the information gets leaked. For example, 2011 Mumbai terror attacks were shown live on all news channels which made it easier for terror groups to get information about all the moves made by the police and the army; alerting the terrorist about the developments. Furthermore, when violence in the society is shown in television it has a negative impact on the minds of people. If new channels show live telecast about a violence, youth get influenced and try to get involved. For example, when there was violence in UP after meat ban, all news channels showed this on TV and there were debates during prime time. This influenced youth from many other states and it created a major divide among communities. In conclusion, I totally agree that showing more about violence in television increases violence and divide in the society. Although, I agree that media houses cannot stop from broadcasting the news about violence, but they can always be selective what is shown on television.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violence
is one of the problematic issues faced by the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of most countries try to take measures in order to avoid any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
from taking place.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in situations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
. I will
Did you mean simply "discuss how"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
influences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
during such circumstances.

Earlier,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about what is happening around the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
through newspapers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
published in the newspaper;
moreover
, it was a controlled
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "medium"?
media
. Newspaper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to publish all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
,
especially
sensitive matters that would create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
and harm the integrity of a nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
there is no control on what is getting published on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channel
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
telecasts sensitive matters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
which creates more problems to the security of a nation. Police and the army find it difficult to handle such situations as all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
leaked.
For example
, 2011 Mumbai terror attacks
were shown
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
which made it easier for terror groups to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
made by the police and the army; alerting the terrorist about the developments.

Furthermore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in the society
is shown
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the minds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
telecast about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
influenced and try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
involved.
For example
, when there was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in UP after meat ban, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
this on TV and there were debates during prime time. This influenced youth from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other states and it created a major divide among communities.

In conclusion
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that showing more about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
increases
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
and divide in the society. Although, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
from broadcasting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can always be selective what
is shown
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Violence in society increases when more violence is shown on television. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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