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A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. v.1

A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. v. 1
The question of whether the amount of violence on TV and cinema has affected young people in our society is something which cannot be quantified or proved. My opinion is though that the answer is “yes, it has”. TV and cinema today do show a large amount of violence and, although we try and shield our young people from seeing too much, they still get to watch it. At the age of eighteen in my country, they can see everything anyway. Violence on the streets has increased. That has been proved. The connection between the TV and the cinema obsession with violence and today's street violence cannot be proved but it is logical that the two are connected. Young people imitate what they see and it is logical that they see glamour in what they do when they commit violence. How can we lessen violence? Reducing the amount of violence on TV and in the cinema would certainly be a good start. Being more vigilant about what age children are when they see violence in these media, and raising the age limits would also help. Another good idea would be to channel the violence of young people. I don‛t think that national service should be re-established in this country but, if people are convicted of violence and sent to prison, then why not give them the option of serving in the army. Their violence will be controlled and they will be subjected to discipline so that they will be better able to control themselves when they leave. Thus I agree with the statement that cinema and TV violence affects the young people in our society. There are some things that can be done to better the situation but I doubt whether anything will be done.
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
The question of whether
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on TV and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our society is something which cannot
be quantified
or proved. My opinion is though that the answer is “yes, it has”.

TV and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
and, although we
"Try and" is common in colloquial speech, but "try to" is recommended for writing.
try and
shield our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from seeing too much, they
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it. At the age of eighteen in my country, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
everything anyway.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violence
on the streets has increased. That has
been proved
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
the TV and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
obsession with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's street
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
cannot
be proved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is logical that the two
are connected
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
imitate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and it is logical that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
glamour in what they do when they commit violence.

How can we lessen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
? Reducing the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on TV and in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
would
certainly
be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
. Being more vigilant about what age children are when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in these media, and raising the age limits would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
would be to channel the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
Did you mean "don't" or "don’t"?
don‛t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that national service should be re-established in this country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are convicted
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to prison, then why not give them the option of serving in the army. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
will be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
controlled and
they will
be subjected
to discipline
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will be better able to control themselves when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
and TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
affects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our society. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things that can
be done
to better the situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I doubt whether anything will
be done
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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