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As countries develop, people tend to buy more and more cars. Do you thing the advantages for the individual outweigh the disadvantages for the environment?

As countries develop, people tend to buy more and more cars. Do you thing the advantages for the individual outweigh the disadvantages for the environment? v. 2
With the advent of science, there were some astonishing inventions in the past century. One of them was cars. As the cutting-edge technology further develops more of them will be acquired by many in a nation. It must have been a boon for many as it saves time along with providing comfort, contrary to that, they had some adverse ramifications for nature such as an increase in the greenhouse gases and depletion of the non-renewable sources of energy that occurred due to their excessive use. To begin with the merits, First of all, because of the better opportunities, people are traveling long distances. If they commute with public transport it not only takes plenty of time but also gives a sore back after the trip. As a result, several are opting for a car as it has several features like air conditioning, cozy seats providing all the luxuries to the men. For instance, more than 50% of the people prefer the car over all the forms of transports for commuting due to its beneficial features. Secondly, other forms of transportations require patience as one has to wait for the train to arrive, stops for other passengers to get off. Therefore, many prefer automobiles because they stay in the garage of the house along with that no stoppage while commuting unless singles are red or there is a jam. Hence, it has become a trend to choose them as their first priority. However, this can lead to far-reaching repercussions for the mother earth, as they emit toxic fumes containing carbon dioxide and methane which are regarded as greenhouse gases, which in turn, leads to warming of the earth as a whole. To illustrate, an average car in a year contributes to 0. 01% of the earth’s heating, if the numbers will be increased then the result will be far more horrifying. Moreover, diesel and petrol required to run them are limited. To elaborate, they will soon be extinct as they take millions, if not billions, to form. A recent survey by “ TheTimes” reported that by 2040 world will run out all the sources of non-renewable energy because of the increase in private transport. Therefore, individuals must curb their desires as global warming and the resources cannot be reversed or regain. To conclude, in spite of the perks cars offer to the people by sparing their valuable time or providing all forms of comfort, one must not forget about their planet as the excessive heating and lack of resources would be more hazardous.
With the advent of science, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
astonishing inventions in the past century. One of them was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the cutting-edge technology
further
develops more of them will
be acquired
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
in a nation. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have been a boon for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as it saves time along with providing comfort, contrary to that, they had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse ramifications for nature such as an increase in the greenhouse gases and depletion of the non-renewable sources of energy that occurred due to their excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the merits,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the better opportunities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are traveling long distances. If they commute with public transport it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
gives a sore back after the trip.
As a result
, several are opting for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
as it has several features like air conditioning, cozy seats providing all the luxuries to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
For instance
, more than 50% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
over all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
of transports for commuting due to its beneficial features.
Secondly
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
of transportations require patience as one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
wait for the train to arrive,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
for other passengers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
off.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
prefer automobiles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they stay in the garage of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
along with that no stoppage while commuting unless singles
are red
or there is a jam.
Hence
, it has become a trend to choose them as their
first
priority.

However
, this can lead to far-reaching repercussions for the mother earth, as they emit toxic fumes containing carbon dioxide and methane which
are regarded
as greenhouse gases, which in turn, leads to warming of the earth as a whole. To illustrate, an average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
in a year contributes to 0. 01% of the earth’s heating, if the numbers will
be increased
then the result will be far more horrifying.
Moreover
, diesel and petrol required to run them
are limited
. To elaborate, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
be extinct as they take millions, if not billions, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
form
. A recent survey by
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
“
Possible spelling mistake found.
TheTimes
” reported that by 2040 world will run out all the sources of non-renewable energy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the increase in private transport.
Therefore
, individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
curb their desires as global warming and the resources cannot
be reversed
or regain.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the perks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
offer to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by sparing their valuable time or providing all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
of comfort, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not forget about their planet as the excessive heating and lack of resources would be more hazardous.

IELTS essay As countries develop, people tend to buy more and more cars. Do you thing the advantages for the individual outweigh the disadvantages for the environment?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
422 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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