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Violence in schools has reached an alarming rate. What are the causes of this problem? What measures can you suggest to overcome this issue? v.1

Violence in schools has reached an alarming rate. What are the causes of this problem? What measures can you suggest to overcome this issue? v. 1
All types of progress have always been pushing by people's curiosity and desire to have more; however, another side is self-interest that leads people for controversial way. Consequently, people who want more initially not for yourselves do good things, although they really a small part from whole amount. Firstly, few persons can decline that dissatisfaction provides developmental progress because people, who wants more and are not satisied with that they has, provides innovation, and modificated old things in more functional and modern. For example, Elon Reeve Musk that invents the electric car and other things. Besides, dissatisfied people have always been aiming on new achievement that give their life more sense and resistance to fail as reason has always preparing for it. Thus, unhappiness with current things has a profitable and positive impact on people's life. Notwithstanding, people has another part of the dissatisfaction that named self-interest and doubt on self appearance that has always pushed them on ambiguous decisions such as illegal make money, or plastic surgery. For example, many modern women who change their faces or other parts of a body, or corrupt politicians. Moreover, the history demonstrates that when people turn from innovation to self-interest way it is always has bad aftermaths such as new product with poor quality and higher price. Hence, this part has only bad influence on the local economies and people's life because such people do not care about other people and live only for their wealth. To conclude, as everything in our world dissatisfaction and desire for more have two sides where one develop people's life, whereas another pull it down.
All types of progress have always been pushing by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
curiosity and desire to have more;
however
, another side is self-interest that leads
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for controversial way.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want more
initially
not for yourselves do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things, although they
really
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
from whole amount.

Firstly
, few persons can decline that dissatisfaction provides developmental progress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who wants more and are not
Possible spelling mistake found.
satisied
with that they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "have", "haven"
has
, provides innovation, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
modificated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
things in more functional and modern.
For example
, Elon Reeve Musk that invents the electric car and other things.
Besides
, dissatisfied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have always been
The usual collocation for "aiming" is "at" not "on". Did you mean "aiming at"?
aiming on
new achievement that give their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
more sense and resistance to fail as reason has always preparing for it.
Thus
, unhappiness with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
things has a profitable and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
life.

Notwithstanding,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of the dissatisfaction that named self-interest and doubt on self appearance that has always pushed them on ambiguous decisions such as illegal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money, or plastic surgery.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern women who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their faces or other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parts
of a body, or corrupt politicians.
Moreover
, the history demonstrates that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
turn from innovation to self-interest way it is always has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
aftermaths such as new product with poor quality and higher price.
Hence
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence on the local economies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not care about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for their wealth.

To conclude
, as everything in our world dissatisfaction and desire for more have two sides where one develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
life, whereas another pull it down.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Violence in schools has reached an alarming rate. What are the causes of this problem? What measures can you suggest to overcome this issue? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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