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Nowadays, the number of obese children is increasing at an alarming rate. What are some of the causes of this increase and how can the problem be solved? v.1

Nowadays, the number of obese children is increasing at an alarming rate. What are some of the causes of this increase and how can the problem be solved? v. 1
The number of children who are suffering from obesity can be said to have reached epidemic proportions. So, what are the factors behind this obesity epidemic, and how can it be brought under control. This essay will attempt to answer these pressing questions. Firstly, it seems that a significant amount of blame can be given to poor diet combined with the marketing of unhealthy food toward young people. Children’s diets often consist of junk food, such as potato chips and candy, which is not only low in nutrients but also high in calories. This dietary issue is also compounded by the fact that these kinds of food are often marketed directly at children with fun cartoon mascots and bright colours that are designed to attract children’s attention. Another undeniable reason is sedentary lifestyle. Children in the modern world tend to lead lives that are shockingly inactive compared to their predecessors. Much of their time is spent sitting in front of a screen, whether it be television, a computer, or a smartphone. In fact, studies have shown that children in urban environments tend to get only two hours of exercise per week compared to two hours per day just a generation ago. Nevertheless, through concerted action by parents and governments, this worrying situation can be alleviated. In terms of diet, parents need to play a greater role in controlling what their children eat. For the government’s part, they can introduce legislation restricting the promotion of unhealthy food to children. Similarly, parents need to make a greater effort to ensure their children are getting sufficient exercise on a daily basis, while the government can launch some kind of ‘stay active’ health campaigns. Overall, the rise in the number of obese children is certainly worrying, especially and kids are a vulnerable part of the population. However, by taking some simple practical steps, we can help to make sure that the next generation grows up healthy and strong.
The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are suffering from obesity can
be said
to have reached epidemic proportions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, what are the factors behind this obesity epidemic, and how can it
be brought
under control. This essay will attempt to answer these pressing questions.

Firstly
, it seems that a significant amount of blame can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to poor diet combined with the marketing of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
toward young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
diets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
consist of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, such as potato chips and candy, which is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
low in nutrients
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
high in calories. This dietary issue is
also
compounded by the fact that these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
marketed
directly
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with fun cartoon mascots and bright
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
that
are designed
to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
attention.

Another undeniable reason is sedentary lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
in the modern world tend to lead
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
that are
shockingly
inactive compared to their predecessors. Much of their time
is spent
sitting in front of a screen, whether it be television, a computer, or a smartphone. In fact, studies have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in urban environments tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
two hours of exercise per week compared to two hours per day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a generation ago.

Nevertheless
, through concerted action by parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, this worrying situation can
be alleviated
. In terms of diet, parents need to play a greater role in controlling what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
eat. For the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s part, they can introduce legislation restricting the promotion of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Similarly
, parents need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a greater effort to ensure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are getting sufficient exercise on a daily basis, while the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can launch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of ‘stay active’ health campaigns.

Overall
, the rise in the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
certainly
worrying,
especially
and kids are a vulnerable part of the population.
However
, by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
simple practical steps, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that the
next
generation grows up healthy and strong.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Nowadays, the number of obese children is increasing at an alarming rate. What are some of the causes of this increase and how can the problem be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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