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Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Refute this claim. v.1

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Refute this claim. v. 1
Media has been linked as a cause of increasing rate of violence. It is believed that the principal reason of violence among children is due to the influence of violent media circulating around the globe. This essay will discuss and provide reasons and examples why media is not merely the cause of elevating cases of violence. There are several factors involved in this trend. The first factor is the influence of family. For instance, when a child is exposed to a violent family, then there is a tendency that he will grow as a violent person. In addition, lack of guidance may also cause them to do bad things. The main foundation of a child's learning and values begins at home, wherein parents are supposed to show good example on their offsprings. Moreover, parents should also inspire their children to be a better citizen of the community. Secondly, is the lack of education. Being educated can make a person grow as a good individual. For example, an educated person knows that fervency is not acceptable in the society, so he will not bring any harm to anyone. Furthermore, having an education can improve one's life and let them focus on their goals rather than doing violent things. This only proves that having a knowledge on what is right and wrong can avoid this kind of situations. In conclusion, it is evident that the media is not the only source of increasing rate of assault and ferocity, therefore some factors must also be considered which contribute to its increase.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
has
been linked
as a cause of increasing rate of violence. It
is believed
that the principal reason of violence among children is due to the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
circulating around the globe. This essay will discuss and provide reasons and examples why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is not
merely
the cause of elevating cases of violence. There are several factors involved in this trend.

The
first
factor is the influence of family.
For instance
, when a child
is exposed
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
family, then there is a tendency that he will grow as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
person.
In addition
, lack of guidance may
also
cause them to do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things. The main foundation of a child's learning and values
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
at home, wherein parents
are supposed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example on their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.
Moreover
, parents should
also
inspire their children to be a better citizen of the community.

Secondly
, is the lack of education.
Being educated
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a person grow as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
individual.
For example
, an educated person knows that fervency is not acceptable in the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he will not bring any harm to anyone.
Furthermore
, having an education can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
one's life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them focus on their goals
rather
than doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
things. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
proves that having
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "knowledge".
a knowledge
on what is right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
can avoid this kind of situations.

In conclusion
, it is evident that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
source of increasing rate of assault and ferocity,
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
be considered
which contribute to its increase.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Refute this claim. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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