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Many People believe that the increased presence of violence in film and Television these days is responsible for the rising incidents of violent crime among youths in society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this argument? v.1

Many People believe that the increased presence of violence in film and Television these days is responsible for the rising incidents of violent crime among youths in society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this argument? v. 1
It is believed that the rate of violent tendency is increasing in youngest because of violence is seeming more day by day in the media. Some people suggest that the government take care the way of restricting violence on the screens. I completely think in television or films should be controlled just only clarified from violence. It is clear that in films and other television programmes include violence, not only physical but also physiological. The people watch every evening it, so nobody is worried about why these scenarios are acceptable and usual. That is to say, violent scenes have not been judged and it is only natural way of human's according to most people. If anybody does not end up these, society crime rates would be raised in the future, especially among young prisoner. As given a possible example, In Istanbul, aged 15 to 19 criminals who are suffered daily violence scenes in media are increasing dramatically in a current survey. On the other hand, human might be copy the behaviour what they see around them. If a person exposed bad attitude, he or she can think about that is not wrong. So, the person gets a habit which occurs bad behaviour like as violence. For example, a famous crime series was ended by the government as the reason of youngest coping the series's characters act like as a crime. Mostly, in the scenes consist crime related to physical or physiological violence. When the governments cancelled this series, young people were protected watching and acting like in series. In conclusion, it is a trend of rising criminal and violence films or television, at the final of these young people's is being criminals because of watching them consciously. Due to the fact that, I strongly believe that, the governments should be restricted to these scenarios and take attention of this situation.
It
is believed
that the rate of violent tendency is increasing in youngest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
The verb 'seeming' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is seeming
more day by day in the media.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
take care the way of restricting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on the screens. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in television or films should
be controlled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
clarified from violence.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that in films and other television
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
physiological. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
every evening it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
nobody
is worried
about why these scenarios are acceptable and usual.
That is
to say, violent scenes have not
been judged
and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
natural way of human's according to most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. If anybody does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up these, society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates would
be raised
in the future,
especially
among young prisoner. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a possible example, In Istanbul, aged 15 to 19 criminals who
are suffered
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
scenes in media are increasing
dramatically
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
survey.

On the other hand
, human might be
Consider using a past participle here: "copied".
copy
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
around them. If a person exposed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
attitude, he or she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about
that is
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a habit which occurs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
like as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
.
For example
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
series
was ended
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as the reason of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the youngest".
youngest
coping the
Did you mean "serie's" or "series'"?
series's
characters act like as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
Mostly
, in the scenes consist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
related to physical or physiological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
cancelled this series, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were protected
watching and acting like in series.

In conclusion
, it is a trend of rising criminal and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
films or television, at the final of these young
Do not use 's with a verb. Did you mean "peoples"?
people's
is being criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of watching them
consciously
. Due to the fact that, I
strongly
believe that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
be restricted
to these scenarios and take attention of this situation.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Many People believe that the increased presence of violence in film and Television these days is responsible for the rising incidents of violent crime among youths in society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this argument? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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