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Using the examples from the talk, explain two ways that a product’s container can be designed to appeal to consumers. v.1

Using the examples from the talk, explain two ways that a product’s container can be designed to appeal to consumers. v. 1
Although it is sometimes thought that schools ought to teach children to compete, other people believe that the focus should be about cooperation. In my opinion, deciding whether to focus on competition or team working skills should depend on the age of the child. On the one hand, children who learn to compete against each other often do better in school, according to some. In other words, the competition between students motivates them to excel in their studies or tasks which consequently produces better academic performance and results. Furthermore, it is commonly believed that these skills are essential for children to learn in order to succeed later in life when they must compete against others in the job market. On the other hand, it is often thought that it is better if the emphasis at the school is on cooperating with others. People do not live, work or socialise apart from others, so learning how to work alongside others ought to be taught from childhood. Without these skills, many think children would lack the ability to communicate with each other or know how to deal with confrontations and conflicts in a constructive way. Finally, in my view, both skills are indispensable for a child’s future but the focus should depend on a child’s age. While young children need to learn how to communicate effectively and learn to work with others, older children, who are starting to take exams and be assessed on their academic performance, would benefit more from the competition. Schools, therefore, need to be flexible as to when to focus on one over the other. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe it would be better for young children to develop team working skills and older children to become more competitive.
Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
ought to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to compete,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
should be about cooperation. In my opinion, deciding whether to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on competition or team working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
should depend on the age of the child.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to compete against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the competition between students motivates them to excel in their studies or tasks which
consequently
produces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
academic performance and results.
Furthermore
, it is
commonly
believed that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
in order to succeed later in life when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
compete against others in the job market.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
if the emphasis at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is on cooperating with others.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, work or
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
apart from others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
learning how to work alongside others ought to
be taught
from childhood. Without these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would lack the ability to communicate with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
or know how to deal with confrontations and conflicts
Consider replacing "in a constructive way" with the adverb for "constructive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a constructive way
.

Finally
, in my view, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are indispensable for a child’s future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
should depend on a child’s age. While young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to communicate
effectively
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to work with others, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who are starting to take exams and
be assessed
on their academic performance, would benefit more from the competition.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
,
therefore
, need to be flexible as to when to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on one over the other.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views, I believe it would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to develop team working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become more competitive.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Using the examples from the talk, explain two ways that a product’s container can be designed to appeal to consumers. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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