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Using the example of the thunder bird, explain a possible effect of a major climate change. v.1

Using the example of the thunder bird, explain a possible effect of a major climate change. v. 1
People have different approaches regarding a happy life. While some correlate it with financial states, others believe, there are other aspects which determine the level of happiness. Both their viewpoints will be discussed and critically evaluated before a final conclusion is drawn. On the one hand, undoubtedly, money plays a vital role in an individual's life. In the absence of it, life will be miserable because basic amenities are mandatory for each person and they can only be afforded with money. For example, food, shelter and clothes are the three basic necessities without which it will be definitely hard for a person to lead a life of satisfaction as these things make a life worth living. Moreover, only when people can meet their fundamental requirements sufficiently and have some means of entertainment and relaxation, they can claim they are happy. Thus, it goes without saying happiness is closely related to one's economic success. On the other hand, it is not necessary that abundance of wealth leads a lot of happiness. For example, it has been found in various surveys in the developed countries that most of the rich people do not accept that happiness can be brought with money. However, other factors like, family life, round health and job satisfaction are equally prominent to determine a person's level of happiness. Sometimes, people with average low are seen to be extremely satisfied with their lives. So, wealth cannot be considered as a role determiner of a happy life. In conclusion, after analysing both arguments, it can be rated that money plays an indispensable role in providing happiness to mankind, but to lead a harmonious life, good family, round health and job satisfaction are also vital.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
approaches regarding a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
correlate it with financial states, others believe, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects which determine the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Both their viewpoints will
be discussed
and
critically
evaluated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a final conclusion
is drawn
.

On the one hand,
undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays a vital role in an individual's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In the absence of it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
will be miserable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
basic amenities are mandatory for each
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
person and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be afforded
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, food, shelter and clothes are the three
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
without which it will be definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for a person to lead a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of satisfaction as these things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
worth living.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their fundamental requirements
sufficiently
and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
means of entertainment and relaxation, they can claim they are happy.
Thus
, it goes without saying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
closely
related to one's economic success.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is not necessary that abundance of wealth leads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
For example
, it has
been found
in various surveys in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
that most of the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not accept that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can
be brought
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors like, family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, round health and job satisfaction are
equally
prominent to determine a person's level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with average low are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to be
extremely
satisfied with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, wealth cannot
be considered
as a role determiner of a happy life.

In conclusion
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
both arguments, it can
be rated
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays an indispensable role in providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
to mankind,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to lead a harmonious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
family, round health and job satisfaction are
also
vital.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Using the example of the thunder bird, explain a possible effect of a major climate change. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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