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talk about a skill or ability that you consider especially important for a student to have. Explain it v.1

talk about a skill or ability that you consider especially important for a student to have. Explain it v. 1
It is certainly true that our society are tended to rely on many products from global companies, but some people believe that it could be ruining our subsistences. However, not all the effects of multinational ventures bring severe problems to us, although there are certainly some disadvantages to expand the companies on certain country. On the one hand, there are clear arguments that some foreign factories may be going to kill indigenous ones. One of the main reasons can be that many local businesses are running their production through outdated or old instruments and dominated by human resources. This condition leads to the companies going out of business due to unhealthy and imbalance competition. Another reason can be that society is more likely to consume more processed products which potentially risk their livelihood. For example, the instant noodles from company X allegedly contain harmful ingredients which are as a main culprit of mental retardation and cancer. On the other hand, I agree with the viewpoint that multinational companies have contributed very much to our society and nation. Firstly, I saw that some of well branded manufacturers help refugees from many disasters such as floods, landslides, and so forth. Moreover, they also employ many local people that help reduce the unemployment rate significantly like online taxi companies as well as our government through their tax revenue. To wrap up, it seems to me that I slightly disagree with those bad reputations of multinational factories. Instead, their existence may carry a good synergy and collaboration with government as well as encouragement for many local companies to uplift their standards.
It is
certainly
true that our society
are tended
to rely on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
products from global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it could be ruining our
Possible spelling mistake found.
subsistences
.
However
, not all the effects of multinational ventures bring severe problems to us, although there are
certainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to expand the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
on certain country.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
arguments that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
foreign factories may be going to kill indigenous ones. One of the main reasons can be that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
local businesses are running their production through outdated or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
instruments and dominated by human resources. This condition leads to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
going out of business due to unhealthy and imbalance competition. Another reason can be that society is more likely to consume more processed products which
potentially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their livelihood.
For example
, the instant noodles from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
X allegedly contain harmful ingredients which are as a main culprit of mental retardation and cancer.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the viewpoint that multinational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have contributed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much to our society and nation.
Firstly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of well branded manufacturers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
refugees from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disasters such as floods, landslides, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth.
Moreover
, they
also
employ
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the unemployment rate
significantly
like online taxi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as well
as our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
through their tax revenue.

To wrap up, it seems to me that I
slightly
disagree with those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
reputations of multinational factories.
Instead
, their existence may carry a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
synergy and collaboration with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
as well
as encouragement for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to uplift their standards.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay talk about a skill or ability that you consider especially important for a student to have. Explain it v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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