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using advanced technology in agriculture such as chemical fertilizers and machinery has resulted in producing more food. some people, however, think these technologies have negative effects. what are the advantages and this advantages/ v.1

using advanced technology in agriculture such as chemical fertilizers and machinery has resulted in producing more food. some people, however, think these technologies have negative effects. what are the advantages and this advantages/ v. 1
As a number of elderly people rising globally, many concerned about if it is going to benefit them or cause drawbacks. There are valid arguments on both sides, and I will discuss now. Firstly, it is hard to ignore the fact that, when the amount of retired workers go up, countries and organizations going to lose work force and qualified employees. In any modern and fast developing country, large quantities of labour force play an essential role in different sectors of countries. For example, one of the world’s fastest growing economies, China has already come face to face with it, the statistic of its older citizens growing very fast. Secondly, the provision of social and financial support to bigger number of aging citizens than usual, can put an extra pressure of budgets. Thirdly, in communities where traditionally younger member of the family takes care of old, the former receives more stress and responsibility for maintaining a bigger family. Also, a growing number of aging people lead economies to build and maintain more retirement homes and plus public health centres as with a bigger age required better health care. On the other hand, we can also count better sides in this case. For instance, aging people can lead communities and families with their huge life lessons and mentally support loves ones. They can also be very active members of society and organize various types of life events and gatherings. Moreover, retired employees with big professional expertise could provide trainings to new comers if it is properly organized by organizations. Lastly, children in the families would enjoy the presence of their grandparents as they could teach them interesting games or give them a hand on their education. Overall, I tend to agree that, aging of people will have more negative effects on society rather than positive ones.
As a number of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rising globally,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
concerned about if it is going to benefit them or cause drawbacks. There are valid arguments on both sides, and I will discuss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Firstly
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the fact that, when the amount of retired workers go up, countries and organizations going to lose work force and qualified employees. In any modern and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
, large quantities of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force play an essential role in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors of countries.
For example
, one of the world’s fastest growing economies, China has already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
face to face with it, the statistic of its older citizens growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
.
Secondly
, the provision of social and financial support to bigger number of aging citizens than usual, can put an extra pressure of budgets.
Thirdly
, in communities where
traditionally
younger member of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
takes care of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, the former receives more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and responsibility for maintaining a bigger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Also
, a growing number of aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lead economies to build and maintain more retirement homes and plus public health
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
as with a bigger age required better health care.

On the other hand
, we can
also
count better sides
in this case
.
For instance
, aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can lead communities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
with their huge life lessons and mentally support
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. They can
also
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
active members of society and organize various types of life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and gatherings.
Moreover
, retired employees with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
professional expertise could provide trainings to
Did you mean "newcomers"?
new comers
if it is
properly
organized by organizations.
Lastly
, children in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
would enjoy the presence of their grandparents as they could teach them interesting games or give them a hand on their education.

Overall
, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that, aging of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on society
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay using advanced technology in agriculture such as chemical fertilizers and machinery has resulted in producing more food. some people, however, think these technologies have negative effects. what are the advantages and this advantages/ v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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