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TPO9 #2- Some people think that family members are the most important influence on young adults. Others believe that friends are the most important influence. Which do you agree with? Explain why. v.1

TPO9 #2- Some people think that family members are the most important influence on young adults. Others believe that friends are the most important influence. Which do you agree with? Explain why. v. 1
Unhealthy lifestyle leads to many medical issues among people in the majority of the nations which is happening due to technological development and globalization. This essay will explain that how above given factors are responsible for this problem and further it will suggest some remedies to solve it. A prime reason for adapting unhealthy lifestyle is technology because technical advancement has given many amenities to the humankind to make its life more convenient as compared to the past. For example, machines have dominated every sector of the world from home to workplace. Where computers, xerox machines and printers are used to make office work easy simultaneously washing machines, microwaves and vacuum cleaners are playing their role at homes to give comfort to individuals. Consequently, people tend to avoid regular exercise like walking. Another contributing factor behind the attitude of people towards preferring unhealthy lifestyle is globalization. As packaged food, introduced from different nations, has given the autonomy to people to lead a more comfortable life. They can enjoy the food of their choice by sitting at home. To better exemplify, there are many restaurant chains such as McDonalds, Swiggy and Zomato; which are providing a variety of foods at the doorsteps of the people by which they are getting more lethargic. As a result, people are getting more prone to fatal diseases like obesity, diabetes and many more. However, some steps can curb this problem to a large extent. To illustrate, companies can encourage their employees to do exercise by providing some facilities at the workplace. They can make it compulsory for them to use the stairs rather than lifts. Google company is a noble epitome of this, which provides all the amenities to its workers to stay fit. Not only this, governments may impose heavy taxes on outside food to discourage people for packaged food and also may set guidelines for the public about appropriate diet to maintain public health standards. In conclusion, although unhealthy lifestyle has many other causes apart from technology and globalization, but every obstacle can be mitigated with the combine efforts of public and government. It is also the responsibility of an individual to understand the importance of health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
medical issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the majority of the nations which is happening due to technological development and globalization. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
that how above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
factors are responsible for this problem and
further
it will suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
remedies to solve it.

A prime reason for adapting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
is technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
technical advancement has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
amenities to the humankind to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
its life more convenient as compared to the past.
For example
, machines have dominated every sector of the world from home to workplace. Where computers, xerox machines and printers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
office work easy
simultaneously
washing machines, microwaves and vacuum cleaners are playing their role at homes to give comfort to individuals.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to avoid regular exercise like walking.

Another contributing factor behind the attitude of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
towards preferring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
is globalization. As packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, introduced from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the autonomy to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to lead a more comfortable life. They can enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
of their choice by sitting at home. To better exemplify, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
restaurant chains such as
Did you mean the fast food chain "McDonald's" (always spelled with a possessive apostrophe)?
McDonalds
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Swiggy
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zomato
; which are providing a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
at the doorsteps of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by which they are getting more lethargic.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting more prone to fatal diseases like obesity, diabetes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps can curb this problem to a large extent. To illustrate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can encourage their employees to do exercise by providing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facilities at the workplace. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it compulsory for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the stairs
rather
than lifts. Google
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is a noble epitome of this, which provides all the amenities to its workers to stay fit. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
may impose heavy taxes on outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
also
may set guidelines for the public about appropriate diet to maintain public health standards.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other causes apart from technology and globalization,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
every obstacle can
be mitigated
with the combine efforts of public and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. It is
also
the responsibility of an individual to understand the importance of health.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay TPO9 #2- Some people think that family members are the most important influence on young adults. Others believe that friends are the most important influence. Which do you agree with? Explain why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
364 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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