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Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position. v.1

Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position. v. 1
In recent years, It has become overly expensive and stressful for the students to manage their tuition fees on their own. Therefore, sometimes against their wish, they are forced to work on part-time jobs to manage their expenses accordingly. There are certain pros and cons of part-time jobs during the study period and have been discussed in the following paragraphs. First of all, college and university education is very demanding, and it requires an immense amount of time and concentration to ace it properly. They need to put a lot of effort, time and energy to maintain their educational grades. For instance, most of the students will be doing part-time jobs in their available time outside the campus hours, which actually should be spent on completing their assignments and doing research work; as a result, they lost their precious time, and their grades suffer. Moreover, through these part-time jobs, the students' attention will divert from their primary objective of completing their degrees to a more secondary or un-important agenda of making money. For example, they will be buying more fancy stuff like mobile phones, laptops and clothes that give them instant gratification rather than to aim towards getting high grades. On the other hand, students need to manage tuition fees on their own. They need to learn the lesson that life is not a bed of roses so that they can better prepare and equip themselves with the challenging journey of life. Also, it teaches them to a path of self-independence and allows them to come out of the safe nest of parents at their young age. To conclude, looking above the disadvantages outweighs the advantages. In my opinion, it will be more beneficial for the students to focus on their studies wholeheartedly until they finish their degrees instead of doing part-time jobs.
In recent years, It has become
overly
expensive and stressful for the
students
to manage their tuition fees on their
own
.
Therefore
,
sometimes
against their wish, they
are forced
to work on part-time
jobs
to manage their expenses
accordingly
. There are certain pros and cons of part-time
jobs
during the study period and have
been discussed
in the following paragraphs.

First of all
, college and university education is
very
demanding, and it requires an immense amount of
time
and concentration to ace it
properly
. They need to put
a lot of
effort,
time
and energy to maintain their educational grades.
For instance
, most of the
students
will be doing part-time
jobs
in their available
time
outside the campus hours, which actually should
be spent
on completing their assignments and doing research work;
as a result
, they lost their precious
time
, and their grades suffer.

Moreover
, through these part-time
jobs
, the students' attention will divert from their primary objective of completing their degrees to a more secondary or un-
important
agenda of making money.
For example
, they will be buying more fancy stuff like mobile phones, laptops and clothes that give them instant gratification
rather
than to aim towards getting high grades.

On the other hand
,
students
need to manage tuition fees on their
own
. They need to learn the lesson that life is not a bed of roses
so
that they can better prepare and equip themselves with the challenging journey of life.
Also
, it teaches them to a path of self-independence and
allows
them to
come
out of the safe nest of parents at their young age.

To conclude
, looking above the disadvantages outweighs the advantages. In my opinion, it will be more beneficial for the
students
to focus on their studies
wholeheartedly
until they finish their degrees
instead
of doing part-time
jobs
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
303 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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