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TPO46-Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.2

TPO46- The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2
Nowadays, there is no shortage of debate about the importance of the opinions of celebrities to a wide range of people. Some people believe that the opinions of the famous persons are important everybody. I personally think that these opinions matter to young generation more than to old people. I feel this way for some specific reasons whcih I will explore in the following essay. First of all, young people have not much experince and when they face and issue the usually do not have any previous knowledge and understanding on that issue. Additionally, when people do not have enough information about something they look up to persons that they love for some peace of advice. Obviously the fans of celebrities are mostly young and as a result young people cares more about their opinions. Secondly, older people have tried many things and have been in many situations. When they face a problem they already had similar experince, therefore they are confident and they will not look for advice and others' opinion even if those others are famous entertainer or athletes. For example, my father is sixty years old and he runs a circus. Last week there was a lecture about success, the lecturer was a famous entertainer; He noted that in any career you should be hard on your employees to succeed, But since my father had experinces years ago about treating his staff, he disagreed to lecturer' s opinion regardless of how famous he was. Finally, from psychological point of view, young generations are most influenced by celebrities. Scientists stated that this happens because younger people are not mature enough and they can easily be persuaded by famous persons. For instance, my younger brother is a teenager and he loves Brad Pitt. Last month Brad Pitt had a charity festival to help the kids in Africa, the fesival was far away from our home but since my brother cared about that actor' s opinion a lot, he made the whole family to participate in the festival.
Nowadays, there is no shortage of debate about the importance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
of celebrities to a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
persons are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
everybody. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
matter to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation more than to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I feel this way for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific reasons
Possible spelling mistake found.
whcih
I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not much
Possible spelling mistake found.
experince
and when they face and issue the
usually
do not have any previous knowledge and understanding on that issue.
Additionally
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
information about something they look up to persons that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "piece"?
peace
of advice.
Obviously
the fans of celebrities are
mostly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and
as a result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
cares
more about their opinions.

Secondly
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have tried
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things and have been in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
situations. When they face a problem they already had similar
Possible spelling mistake found.
experince
,
therefore
they are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
confident and
they will not look for advice and
Possible spelling mistake found.
others&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
even if those others are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
entertainer or athletes.
For example
, my father is sixty years
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
he runs a circus. Last week there was a lecture about success, the lecturer was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
entertainer; He noted that in any career you should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
on your employees to succeed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
since my father had
Possible spelling mistake found.
experinces
years ago about treating his staff, he disagreed to
Possible spelling mistake found.
lecturer&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
regardless of how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
he was.

Finally
, from psychological point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations are most influenced by celebrities. Scientists stated that this happens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not mature
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
enough and
they can
easily
be persuaded
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
persons.
For instance
, my younger brother is a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teenager and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
Brad Pitt. Last month Brad Pitt had a charity festival to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the kids in Africa, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
fesival
was far away from our home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
since my brother cared about that
Possible spelling mistake found.
actor&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
a lot, he made the whole family to participate in the festival.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay TPO46- The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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