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TPO 46: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your ans v.1

TPO 46: The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your ans v. 1
From the ancient time hitherto, humankind has been in pursuit of happiness. Although possessing precious things is somewhat some people believe that it gained enjoyment for them, I am more likely to think that something cannot be bought with cash and strong arguments exist in support of both sides of this debate. On the one hand, many people in modern civilisation are materialists. It is irrefutable that money is compelling in terms of fulfilling people’s desires, such as fame or property. Meanwhile, it leads to the fact that people feel more comfortable and satisfied when they use their prosperity to meet their needs, which bring them bliss. For example, people are always craving for social status; with money, they can easily upscale in society as well as obtain respect from others, which gained delight in the mind of these people. Also, they can afford things under no pressure on making money to meet the basic needs, which defined as happiness for them. On the other hand, others fundamentally agree that giving is receiving. By helping people and contributing to society, they have faith in achieving pleasure. For instance, non-profit organisations established to help those who are poor or disabled; these organisations are run by devoted people who are trusting in what makes them happy can raise by supporting others. Besides, serving society helps them discover their insight and make these people feel fulfilled and gratified. The sense of fulfilment shows that life is meaningful and marvellous. In conclusion, with the reasons stated above, I am utterly convinced that happiness cannot deprive of money and what it brings is not happiness but satisfaction and selfishness of those following materialism. Likewise, it is apparent from the above points that the genuine pleasure stems from supporting impoverished and disabled people
From the ancient time hitherto, humankind has been in pursuit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Although possessing precious things is somewhat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it gained enjoyment for them, I am more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that something cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
with cash and strong arguments exist in support of both sides of this debate.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in modern
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisation' is British English.
civilisation
are materialists. It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is compelling in terms of fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
desires, such as fame or property. Meanwhile, it leads to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel more comfortable and satisfied when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their prosperity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their needs, which bring them bliss.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are always craving for social status; with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they can
easily
upscale in society
as well
as obtain respect from others, which gained delight in the mind of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Also
, they can afford things under no pressure on making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the basic needs, which defined as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for them.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others
fundamentally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that giving is receiving. By helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and contributing to society, they have faith in achieving pleasure.
For instance
, non-profit
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
established to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those who are poor or disabled; these
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are run
by devoted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are trusting in what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them happy can raise by supporting others.
Besides
, serving society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them discover their insight and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel fulfilled and gratified. The sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that life is meaningful and
Possible spelling mistake. 'marvellous' is British English.
marvellous
.

In conclusion
, with the reasons stated above, I am
utterly
convinced that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
cannot deprive of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and what it brings is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
satisfaction and selfishness of those following materialism.
Likewise
, it is apparent from the above points that the genuine pleasure stems from supporting impoverished and disabled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 46: The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your ans v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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