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TPO40Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think it is a good idea? v.2

TPO40Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think it is a good idea? v. 2
Education is one of the most important factors in our lives. Genuinely, it determines that how much our society is successful. This issue whether or not how parents should react against their children’s grades has engendered a copious controversies among people. Although a certain conclusion cannot be made, I, to a great extent, hold this viewpoint that giving some money as a gift to children for their good grades is very beneficial. Among countless reasons, which can vindicate my point of view, I will mention the two most conspicuous ones through the following paragraphs. The first reason that juts out of my mind easily at the first moment of thinking about this issue is the fact that offering students money will encourage them to study their lessons more effectively. In other words, all human being needs some impetus to accomplish her or his duties more accurately. Therefore, this money will motivate learners to do their assignments precisely, and get high scores, which is so helpful in their future, since almost all companies are willing to hire individuals who have had excellent grades during their education. To shed more light on this matter, the noteworthy statistics revealed by a recently conducted research in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) shown that students who receive money for their high scores, will become more successful not only in their studies, but also in their future careers. Therefore, it is highly recommended that parents induce their children to study hard. The second and equally exquisite proof for this assertion is about this importance that it has an undeniable influence on their personality. Genuinely, these students who are received money during their education, have some special characteristics, which are very crucial in the present time and lead to the future success. For instance, they are able to manage their overcome and spend their money for worthwhile subjects. Furthermore, they have more self-confidence rather than the other students, and they are able to express their notions and defend them against other individuals who are disagree with them. To give a tangible example, consider a student who accumulate a hoard of money because of his grades. He knows that this asset is precious since he has studied very hard to gain each of those high scores. Therefore, we he decide to spend it for something, he evaluate all positive and negative aspects of it and tries to make the best choose. In other words, he improve his managing ability unconsciously. Consequently, the more the parents pay attention to this kind of prizes, the more their children will benefit. To make a long story short, based on the aforementioned arguments, we may draw the conclusion that it can be more beneficial for students if their high grades be appreciated by their parents. This contention is due to the fact that by doing so, not only do they provoke to study harder but also they would achieve some profitable abilities, which vitally important in their lives.
Education is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Genuinely
, it determines that how much our society is successful. This issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should react against their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
has engendered a copious
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "controversy"?
controversies
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Although a certain conclusion cannot
be made
, I, to a great extent, hold this viewpoint that giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a gift to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial. Among countless reasons, which can vindicate my point of view, I will mention the two most conspicuous ones through the following paragraphs.

The
first
reason that juts out of my mind
easily
at the
first
moment of thinking about this issue is the fact that offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will encourage them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
their lessons more
effectively
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, all human being needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
impetus to accomplish her or his duties more
accurately
.
Therefore
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will motivate learners to do their assignments
precisely
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
scores, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
helpful in their future, since almost all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are willing to hire individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have had excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
during their education. To shed more light on this matter, the noteworthy statistics revealed by
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "recently conducted research".
a recently conducted research
in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
scores, will become more successful not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in their future careers.
Therefore
, it is
highly
recommended that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
induce their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

The second and
equally
exquisite proof for this assertion is about this importance that it has an undeniable influence on their personality.
Genuinely
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are received
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
during their education, have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special characteristics, which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial in the present time and lead to the future success.
For instance
, they are able to manage their overcome and spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for worthwhile subjects.
Furthermore
, they have more self-confidence
rather
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, and they are able to express their notions and defend them against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
Consider using a past participle here: "disagreed".
disagree
with them. To give a tangible example, consider a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
accumulate a hoard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
. He knows that this asset is precious since he has studied
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to gain each of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
scores.
Therefore
, we he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "decides", "decided".
decide
to
The usual prepositions that follow 'spend it' are either "on" or 'in'. Did you mean "spend it on"?
spend it for
something, he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "evaluates", "evaluated".
evaluate
all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of it and tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the best choose. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "improves", "improved".
improve
his managing ability
unconsciously
.
Consequently
, the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
pay attention to this kind of prizes, the more their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will benefit.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, based on the aforementioned arguments, we may draw the conclusion that it can be more beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
be appreciated
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This contention is due to the fact that by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they provoke to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
harder
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they would achieve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profitable abilities, which
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
25Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO40Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think it is a good idea? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
497 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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