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TPO40Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think it is a good idea? v.1

TPO40Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think it is a good idea? v. 1
Teenage is the phrase of responsibility and autonomy, and whether or not teenagers should follow the canonical ways of their past generation is an arguable topic. Some conservative people of society believe that adolescents must follow the advice of older people while the teenagers can have opposing views. In this essay, I would shed light on both the notions and give my point of view. A majority of people hold that knowledge and prudence that our elderly parents or grandparents possess is more trustful. Elders are old for a reason and their wisdom, experience and judgment can be advantageous for the teenagers. Moreover, they have an insight into issues that would not have been considered otherwise. For example, the homemade remedies that we commonly use nowadays were invented by our ancestors such as various skin care or cold remedies and walking track. On the other hand, though youngsters must respect their elders, some consider their opinions to be outdated as their information and wisdom are not relevant in today’s era of science and technology. Furthermore, many elderly people were against equal rights, homosexuality and believed in patriarchy which is not applicable in a modern world. Considering this we may argue that challenging old ways of life and belief is somewhat essential. In a nutshell, youngsters should consult their elders when taking various decisions as they have a different approach to life which can make everyone’s life easier. However, there are some choices that teenagers should take independent without entirely relying on elders.
Teenage is the phrase of responsibility and autonomy, and
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should follow the canonical ways of their past generation is an arguable topic.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
conservative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of society believe that adolescents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
follow the advice of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can have opposing views. In this essay, I would shed light on both the notions and give my point of view.

A majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold that knowledge and prudence that our elderly parents or grandparents possess is more trustful.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Elders
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
for a reason and their wisdom, experience and judgment can be advantageous for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
Moreover
, they have an insight into issues that would not have
been considered
otherwise
.
For example
, the homemade remedies that we
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
nowadays
were invented
by our ancestors such as various skin care or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
remedies and walking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
.

On the other hand
, though youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
respect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider their opinions to
be outdated
as their information and wisdom are not relevant in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s era of science and technology.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were against equal rights, homosexuality and believed in patriarchy which is not applicable in a modern world. Considering this we may argue that challenging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
ways of life and belief is somewhat essential.

In a nutshell, youngsters should consult their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
when taking various decisions as they have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
approach to life which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
everyone’s life easier.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
choices that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should take independent without
entirely
relying on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO40Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think it is a good idea? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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