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Question: Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

Question: Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
In many countries, the population is ageing consistently, and this presents the older people themselves with challenges as well as opportunities. It seems to me that retirement is not in fact the most contented period of life, and I will explain why in this essay. Firstly, retired people have to contend with the major issue of health. No matter how optimistic a person is, and how conscientiously they try to keep fit, their health will inevitably decline as they grow older. This affects their mobility, their ability to interact with people, and their physical comfort when compared to the earlier stages of their life. A second negative factor is the whole question of finance. By this we mean that even people who have saved or invested carefully during their working lives will find their income in retirement reduced considerably, for example by relying on savings. This results in their leisure options being more restricted than in their younger years, even though they have more time to fill. This leads us on to the final, and perhaps most significant drawback to retirement, which is isolation. This happens when declining health and limited resources make people increasingly cutoff, even if they have surviving family members who seek to care for them. However, much the family (or neighbours and social services) may offer support, this lack of contact will lead progressively to a less contented frame of mind. It is true that there are some positives to retirement, most notably the time to pursue personal interests and the presence of grandchildren in many cases. Despite this, it seems that for many older people, these pleasures are outweighed by issues which can cause stress and depression. In conclusion, the problems of health, financial concerns and isolation combine together to make retirement a challenging and potentially difficult time for many, especially when compared to the prime period of life. This is not to say that all retired people suffer in this way, but it appears to be the case frequently.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the population is
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
consistently
, and this presents the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves with challenges
as well
as opportunities. It seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
is not in fact the most contented period of life, and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in this essay.

Firstly
, retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
contend with the major issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. No matter how optimistic a person is, and how
conscientiously
they try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
will
inevitably
decline as they grow older. This affects their mobility, their ability to interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and their physical comfort when compared to the earlier stages of their life. A second
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
factor is the whole question of finance. By this we mean that even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have saved or invested
carefully
during their working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
will find their income in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
considerably
,
for example
by relying on savings.

This results in their leisure options being more restricted than in their younger years,
even though
they have more time to fill. This leads us on to the final, and perhaps most significant drawback to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, which is isolation.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
happens when declining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and limited resources
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increasingly
cutoff, even if they have surviving family members who seek to care for them.
However
, much the family (or
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
and social services) may offer support, this lack of contact will lead
progressively
to a less contented frame of mind.

It is true that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
positives to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, most
notably
the time to pursue personal interests and the presence of grandchildren in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases. Despite this, it seems that for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, these pleasures
are outweighed
by issues which can cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and depression.

In conclusion
, the problems of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, financial concerns and isolation
'combine together' is redundant. Use "combine"
combine together
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
a challenging and
potentially
difficult time for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
,
especially
when compared to the prime period of life. This is not to say that all retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer in this way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it appears to be the case
frequently
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Question: Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
335 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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