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TPO30 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours v.1

TPO30 It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours v. 1
Nowadays, technology is playing an important role in our life especially computer. Actually, a lot of children use different types of computer games that may play for a long time. In my opinion, children should not be allowed to play computer games. I feel this way for two main reasons which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, such games are addictive a lot, as a result, children spend too much time on playing this games nonstop. Even parents cannot persuade them to give up these games. Consequently, this affects badly on their level of studying, they could not get high marks or achieve their goals without hard working. As a consequence, their chances in getting better opportunities will be decreased. So, they should pay more attention for their study than spending so much time on playing this non useful things. Moreover, it will prevent them from doing other significant things like: helping their parents, cleaning their rooms and etc. Secondly, playing computer games for a long time affects children's health, as they just sit and do nothing. In other words, children do not do any physical exercises, they just set in front of computer screen and play a passive role in such games. So, spending a lot of time on playing these games, preventing them from doing these necessary activities to be fit. In addition, as children stare for a long time at computer screen span, their eyesight will be affected negatively. To sum up, it is very obvious throughout the previous essay that playing computer games for a long time is wasting time and caused a lot of problems for teenagers. It prevents them from utilizing their time efficiently and harms their health. Therefore, children should be banned from playing such games and parents should put limits for this matter and prevent their children from sitting for a long time at computer screens.
Nowadays, technology is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our life
especially
computer. Actually, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that may play for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. I feel this way for two main reasons which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are addictive a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
,
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
nonstop. Even parents cannot persuade them to give up these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Consequently
, this affects
badly
on their level of studying, they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high marks or achieve their goals without
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
. As a consequence, their chances in getting better opportunities will
be decreased
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they should pay more attention for their study than spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
this
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non useful
things.
Moreover
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from doing other significant things like: helping their parents, cleaning their rooms
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
affects children's health, as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sit and do nothing.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not do any physical exercises, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
set in front of computer screen and play a passive role in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, spending a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, preventing them from doing these necessary activities to
be fit
.
In addition
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
stare for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at computer screen span, their eyesight will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
.

To sum up, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
obvious throughout the previous essay that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and caused a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of problems for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from utilizing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
efficiently
and harms their health.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be banned
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and parents should put limits for this matter and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from sitting for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at computer screens.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay TPO30 It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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