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The bar chart below shows the number of employees from the European Union in the United States (1999). v.2

The bar chart below shows the number of employees from the European Union in the United States (1999). v. 2
It is suggested by some that the regime needs to incur money on education, while others believe that sports and recreational field had better be flourished. As per my opinion, facilities related to games and rejuvenation should be provided by government instead of outlying on education. There are various reasons why am I in favour of promoting sports. First and foremost, youngsters can opt their favourite career path. If young ones do not have interest in studies and they want to be good sportspersons, organizing sports events and providing facilities related to their respective sports will help them to show their calibre in the field they want. To illustrate more, who is going to study physics and chemistry when they really have the desire to be cricketer in their further life? So, sports are the best domain in which government must spend money. However, others opine that money should be expended on education because they think that when authorities offer a better education system to children, they can become good doctors, engineers of the future and this helps country to boost their economy. As those doctors and engineers will further serve their own nation, but they do not know if juveniles do study for the whole day, they will end up getting depressed. Instead of becoming engineers and doctors they will become mentally ill. Therefore, government is supposed to use its money to make recreational places, where young ones can go and have fun. In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that higher authorities should think seriously before utilizing their money on education because for the holistic growth of budding minds, sports and enjoyment are rudimentary.
It
is suggested
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the regime needs to incur
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, while others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and recreational field had better
be flourished
. As per my opinion, facilities related to games and rejuvenation should
be provided
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
instead
of outlying on education.

There are various reasons why am I in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
First
and foremost, youngsters can opt their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
career path. If young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
do not have interest in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
studies and
they want to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake found.
sportspersons
, organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and providing facilities related to their respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'calibre' is British English.
calibre
in the field they want. To illustrate more, who is going to study physics and chemistry when they
really
have the desire to be cricketer in their
further
life?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are the best domain in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend money.

However
, others opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be expended
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that when authorities offer a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system to children, they can become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
doctors, engineers of the future and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
country to boost their economy. As those doctors and engineers will
further
serve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
nation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not know if juveniles do study for the whole day, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up getting depressed.
Instead
of becoming engineers and doctors they will become mentally ill.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is supposed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
recreational places, where young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
can go and have fun.

In conclusion
, I would like to reiterate that higher authorities should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
seriously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
utilizing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
for the holistic growth of budding minds,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and enjoyment are rudimentary.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the number of employees from the European Union in the United States (1999). v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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