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It is believed that people who read for pleasure have developed a better imagination and better language skills than those who prefer to watch TV. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is believed that people who read for pleasure have developed a better imagination and better language skills than those who prefer to watch TV. v. 1
Entertainment is significant in life, so famous people such as singers, actors, models who benefit from this field. It is argued that they are paid far too much money. In my opinion, I tend to agree that they deserve a high salary for their dedication and effort. First of all, as other professions, celebrities have to give a lot of time and relentless training effortin the hopes of shinning in the limelight. For example, Korean trainees who spent many years efforting against thousands of ones to reserve a debut. Secondly, not everyone has a rich artistic talent that has to go through the process of harsh training, so that thay can compete in a fast-firing work environment. For instance, Jin Bts is a person who has practiced singing and dancing day and night because of his original background as a model, he needs to cultivate more skills to become an idol. Therefore, they absolutely deserve be paid a high income for their efforts. Another argument in favor of paying a lot of money for the jobs which helps decuation and health of community. In fact, Professions such as teachers, doctors and engineers who have a more stable salary than well-known people. Because they do not have retirement pensions then they get older and the amount of money they receive depends on the number of tickets sold each concert and profit from the music product. While the the new celebrities just appear and the old ones have to try their best to bring the quality end trendy goods in order to maintain their social position. It is undeniable that famous people are influencers who have power in media community to join them and their fans together to help the disadvantages or donate charitable funds. Futher more, the spiritual contributions of celebrities not only help us to relax but also inspire the dynamic. In conclusion, I believe that celebrities appropriate be paid far much money for their dedication. Because every occupation is equal, no job is more noble than any one, as long as they work true.
Entertainment is significant in life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
such as singers, actors, models
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
benefit from this field. It
is argued
that they
are paid
far too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In my opinion, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they deserve a high salary for their dedication and effort.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as other professions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time and relentless training
Possible spelling mistake found.
effortin
the hopes of shinning in the limelight.
For example
, Korean trainees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years
Possible spelling mistake found.
efforting
against thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to reserve a debut.
Secondly
, not everyone has a rich artistic talent that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
go through the process of harsh training,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
thay
can compete in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-firing work environment.
For instance
, Jin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bts
is a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has practiced singing and dancing day and night
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his original background as a model, he needs to cultivate more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to become an idol.
Therefore
, they
absolutely
deserve
This verb is used with the infinitive: "to be"
be
paid a high income for their efforts.

Another argument in favor of paying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the jobs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
Possible spelling mistake found.
decuation
and health of community. In fact, Professions such as teachers, doctors and engineers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a more stable salary than well-known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they do not have retirement pensions then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they receive depends on the number of tickets sold each concert and profit from the music product. While
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
appear and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
try their best to bring the quality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
trendy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
in order to maintain their social position. It is undeniable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are influencers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have power in media community to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
them and their fans together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the disadvantages or donate charitable funds.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Futher
more, the spiritual contributions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to relax
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
inspire the dynamic.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
appropriate
be paid
far much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their dedication.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
every occupation is equal, no job is more noble than
Did you mean "anyone"?
any one
, as long as they work true.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay It is believed that people who read for pleasure have developed a better imagination and better language skills than those who prefer to watch TV. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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