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TPO25: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer v.1

TPO25: Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer v. 1
In recent years, there are two different opinions, one of which is that every college should offer for all prospective students to free of charge of tuition cost, and the other of which is that all students have to pay for studying their major in the university. However, I personally believe that attending to the college without any tuition fee makes all students satisfying. On the one hand, it is partly true that why some thinkers argue that students have to charge their tuition fee into the educational institutions. Firstly, every college without earning from their student results in undermining the schools' quality of curriculums. Not only universities but also professors cannot earn sufficient profits from their undergraduates so that colleges cannot provide their students with wider study classrooms and diverse useful facilities, and professors might not be responsible for their duty. Nevertheless, I am firmly of the opinion that eliminating such a custom which is paying an amount of money to the college has an efficacious impacts on the society. In the first place, it is needless to say that all prospective students do not need to consider their financial condition, leading to get equal opportunity to educate between poor and rich people. In addition, it cannot help saying with respect to parents' perspective. A lot of parents do not need to worry about the money issue. According to a recent survey, parents cost of their children's colleges payment around 45, 000$ to 50, 000$ a year. It makes numerous parents work for a long period and give up on spending their leisure time. In conclusion, it is still a debatable issue whether or not, all colleges should receive amounts of tuition fee from their students. However, I am convinced that to get rid of all admission fee and tuition fee of the universities has a lot of various benefits to both students and their family.
In recent years, there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, one of which is that every college should offer for all prospective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to free of charge of tuition cost, and the other of which is that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for studying their major in the university.
However
, I
personally
believe that attending to the college without any tuition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
satisfying.

On the one hand, it is partly true that why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
thinkers argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
charge their tuition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
into the educational institutions.
Firstly
, every college without earning from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
results in undermining the schools' quality of curriculums. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
universities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
professors cannot earn sufficient profits from their undergraduates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that colleges cannot provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with wider study classrooms and diverse useful facilities, and professors might not be responsible for their duty.

Nevertheless
, I am
firmly
of the opinion that eliminating such a custom which is paying an amount of money to the college has an efficacious
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "impact"?
impacts
on the society. In the
first
place, it is needless to say that all prospective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do not need to consider their financial condition, leading to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
equal opportunity to educate between poor and rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
In addition
, it cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
saying with respect to parents' perspective.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
parents do not need to worry about the money issue. According to a recent survey, parents cost of their children's colleges payment around 45,
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$000".
000$
to 50,
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$000".
000$
a year. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
numerous parents work for a long period and give up on spending their leisure time.

In conclusion
, it is
still
a debatable issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
, all colleges should receive amounts of tuition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
However
, I
am convinced
that to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of all admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
and tuition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
of the universities has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
various benefits to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and their family.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay TPO25: Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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