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Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.15

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. v. 15
In the modern world, there is an opinion that music is solely for entertainment purposes, while others feel that it has a significant role in the society, because many individuals are influenced by the wide range of genres of melody. Personally, I reckon that lyric is not dedicated only for amusement. There is no denying that melody plays an essential role in the society, because many individuals are affected by its magnificence and fascination. It can encourage people to create masterpieces and art objects. Therefore, many artists are motivated by compositions, and that is the reason why some individuals are able to see the world in different vibes. Accordingly, their mood is raised and they can get a sense of motivation, because melody gives them an opportunity to enjoy the life. To illustrate, many productive employees have claimed that they can work creatively, when they listen to music. On the other hand, some people believe that the soul is solely for entertainment. Furthermore, those that argue for the narrower view of soul can easily highlight the ways in which tune is consumed today. A good illustration of this is many organizations, parties and nightclubs. Moreover, many people are keen to listen to music in order to relax and meditate. Accordingly, many people believe that due to these tendencies, the tune is considered only for entertainment. In conclusion, although many individuals tend to think that the soul is solely for amusement, others feel that it has a significant role in people’s life. Personally, I am totally agree with the last option, because singing encourages people to move forward and achieve their goals.
In the modern world, there is an opinion that music is
solely
for entertainment purposes, while others feel that it has a significant role in the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are influenced
by the wide range of genres of melody.
Personally
, I reckon that lyric is not dedicated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for amusement.

There is no denying that melody plays an essential role in the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by its magnificence and fascination. It can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to create masterpieces and art objects.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
artists
are motivated
by compositions, and
that is
the reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the world in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
vibes.
Accordingly
, their mood is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
raised and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a sense of motivation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
melody gives them an opportunity to enjoy the life. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
productive employees have claimed that they can work
creatively
, when they listen to music.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the soul is
solely
for entertainment.
Furthermore
, those that argue for the narrower view of soul can
easily
highlight the ways in which tune
is consumed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
organizations, parties and nightclubs.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are keen to listen to music in order to relax and meditate.
Accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that due to these tendencies, the tune
is considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for entertainment.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the soul is
solely
for amusement, others feel that it has a significant role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life.
Personally
, I am
totally
Consider using a past participle here: "agreed".
agree
with the last option,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
singing encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward and achieve their goals.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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